Congratulations on a great game on Friday!
Rather than attributing your team’s miraculous win to skill, fate or just plain luck, the entity that deserves the most honor and praise is, in fact, your hair.
Yes, Riley, your team won because of your luscious locks. Like Samson from the Bible, your tremendous strength is the direct result of having terrific tresses.
Though you did not slay the dreaded Aggie with a donkey’s jawbone, you outwitted, outsmarted and outplayed your foe.
Again, you could not have accomplished this without the handsome hair on your head (and shoulders).
I am concerned, however, some people may not respect the power of your hair.
Officials such as the Honor Code Office may demand you cut your locks.
This causes me great concern.
If you cut your hair, our football team will inevitably lose the rest of the season.
We all know what that means: dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow dishonor on your whole family.
Samson, please do not give into the temptations or demands of the Honor Code Office).
Though the rest of us students must live a different standard than you, we will not complain when we are turned away from the HBLL or Student Services for dress and grooming violations, especially if the honor of our football team is at stake (since we all know that that sort of honor is more important than the type promoted by Karl G. Maeser).
The covenant you made to keep your hair long is obviously more important than the promise you made when you signed the Honor Code.
By all means, please don’t cut your hair.
Jessica Anderson
Bountiful
