By Jacob Conde
Valentine?s Day has come again, and I couldn?t be less enthused.
I mean, let?s face facts. If you?re married, you know what you?re doing that day: you?re working late to pay debts that married-student housing incurs.
If you?re dating someone, you?ll probably go find the most private place you can and stare at each other for five hours (in other words, what you do every night). The only advantage is that for once your disgusting PDA is socially acceptable, so hey, enjoy it while it lasts.
Of course, if you?re single, then this holiday is pretty much the ultimate insult: an entire day to feel bitter toward life and be afraid of dying alone.
Just what we needed to make our lives feel good: A holiday!
It?s so much easier when you?re a little kid. You go to school, everyone eats those candy hearts that say things like ?Hold Me? or ?I need? and ?Try Goat Cheese.? Every once in a while they mix it up with things like ?Fax Me? and ?Meet my Parents? (to which we respond ?go fax yourself!?)
The advantage of the candy heart is that finally something is apparently more lonely and desperate than you. After all, it?s asking to be with you, which is probably a switch from the normal routine. But I digress.
After the traditional trading of the sugary treats, everyone would pass out the valentines their moms bought for them the night before in the grocery store. It?s tricky for boys, because we can?t even hint that we have any mushy inclinations whatsoever. To do so would incur the wrath of any playground bullies as well as run the risk of cooties.
Therefore, most valentines passed out by boys usually had a superhero on the cover saying some-thing like ?Be my kryptonite? or Spiderman saying, ?Have a swinging day!?
Of course, the major excitement is getting the valentines from the girls in the class. Just because they?re cootie-riddled googly-eyed twits with whom we?d never be caught dead doesn?t mean we don?t want them to like us. On the contrary, I distinctly remember in second grade pretty much leafing through the valentines looking for one from my current crush, Jenny Oaks.
This was the girl who had me smitten, I actually sang ?Hungry Eyes? at her once while on the playground. I didn?t know all the words, it was more like ?da da da in my sight, you given me, HUNGRY EYES! I wasn?t in key, but it was the thought that counted. (It was in ?Dirty Dancing? after all. It seemed like a surefire bet.)
I found her valentine toward the bottom. On it was the meaningful phrase ?Have a Nice Day!?
She didn?t have to put the obvious hidden message: ?by yourself.?
Anyway, to all the Valentine?s Day victims out there, be you married, attached or free-as-a-bird who feels like you?re surviving an oil spill, just grit your teeth and bear it this weekend. You?ll survive!
Hey, I feel another song coming on!