By GEOFFREY M. HOWARD
Last week I hit the slopes at Sundance trying to make the best of the season pass that allows me to ski as much as I want during the two weeks of skiable snow.
After watching last year’s Winter Olympics, I was inspired to pull off a jump with an iron cross and an edge-grab with a rodeo twist topped off with a backflip. After successfully completing the first-half of my radical maneuver, I realized that nobody was watching. I also realized in mid-air that I could never be in the 2002 olympics because I have no new rifles to offer the IOC. I don’t even have my own scholarship.
Upon realizing all this, I lost control, landed on my head and found myself in a happy place. Hearts were dancing like sugar-plum fairies around my head.
Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared and told me to head for the Degoba System to learn the ways of the RM Knight from Yoda the RM Master. I told him my car Woody (a 1984 Jeep Wagoneer with wood paneling) can barely make it to Salt Lake City.
He said, “Just go to the the Senior MTC.”
In mid-route, Darth Vader appeared to me. (Dreams within dreams are possible.) He invited me to join the Dark Side and become a “menace to society.” (You knew something about dating would show up here; this IS the Sweetheart Edition.) I should’ve realized that I was getting close to that age when I met my mission companion’s grandson in the MTC yesterday.
I found a short old man that looked like Yoda. Did you ever hear that President Kimball was the role model for Yoda. Fact, or Mormon fiction? You make the call.
I went up to Yoda and said, “I’ve been giving dating the good ol’college try’ for years and asking direct `will you’ questions on the first date, but still await a temple date.”
Yoda said, “There is no try, only do.”
Yoda then asked me to lift Woody out of the tow truck that was hauling him off. I said I’d rather walk.
“You have much to learn,” and he sent me in search of Miyagi-San at the Tepanyaki Steakhouse.
Miyagi told me some story of how men are fishers of women.
“Be a patient fisherman…wait for them to take the bait,” he said.
Then he said something about how he had just fed me for a day and that I got to eat free for the rest of my life. All I know is I left hungry with no Tepanyaki VIP pass in my hand.
Two men pulled up on a scooter and offered me a ride to Aspen. They were in search of a girl. So was I.
Did you know that part or all of “Dumb and Dumber” was filmed in Utah? Fact, or Mormon fiction?
The three of us made it all the way to Helaman Halls before blowing a tire. A beautiful young co-ed offered to help push us along.
One of my new mentors decided to teach me the ways of an RM Master.
“What are the chances of a girl like you and a guy like me getting together?” he said.
“About one in one,” she replied.
Wait, wait, wait. It’s “one in a million.” And I know that neither of us has a chance with her. This is a dream, though, so let’s have some fun.
The crowd roared after catching the winning touchdown pass from Steve Young in the Super Bowl.
He comes up to me and instead of a high five he pats my butt and says, “Remember this always. All girls want me until they tell me otherwise.”
Steve, maybe if you’d stop taking Jerry Rice on your dates, girls wouldn’t be telling you otherwise.
The roaring crowd turned into my roommate yelling in my ear with vulgarities and threatening to turn my alarm off with my teeth.
I shared with him the great wisdom I had gained in my travel amongst Zen Masters to which he replied, “Geoff, none of our relationships are going to work out anyways…so just kiss the girl right away.”
One small step toward RM Master, and one giant leap towards menace.
