By Sara Lenz
These numbers are courtesy of a study by Bruce Chadwick, BYU professor of sociology.
Over the past several years, the age of marriage has increased and divorce rates have decreased, according to the U.S. Census. While many agree these variables are connected, this connection is complicated.
Jami Ward, BYU alumnus ”82 living in Laguna Hills, Calif., was married at 27 while Debbi Davis, BYU alumnus ”76 living in Orem, was married at 20. Both are still married today. So does age have a factor in the happiness and success in a marriage? Some think it does.
Jeffry Larson, professor of marriage and family therapy at BYU, wrote a book called “Should We Stay Together?” about whether two people in a relationship should commit to marry. He said that in general the older a person is when they get married, the better. He believes the optimal age is mid- to late-20s.
Usually by mid-20s college is finished, there is less financial stress, there has been plenty of time to date and most are emotionally and cognitively mature, Larson said. He said those who marry when they are 19 or 20 are generally less self aware and don”t have much relationship experience.
Larson said there are differences in LDS people: they try harder to make a marriage work and are more prepared for marriage as young adults. But he said he thinks the average marriage age for LDS is too young.
While the LDS church has not given out the official statistics for marriage and divorce for members of the church since 1986, Kristen Goodman, research supervisor in the Correlation Department of the LDS Church, said the age of first marriage has increased in the church and the rate of divorce has also increased.
Jason Carroll, assistant professor for the School of Family Life at BYU, said the average rate of divorce in the nation is 50 percent, but he said thinking every relationship has a 50/50 chance of working out is incorrect. There will be certain marriages that have a 90 percent chance and others that will have only a 10 percent chance of divorce, he said.
There are preparations people can make which give them a smaller chance of divorce. People committed to a religious lifestyle who graduate college either before or during marriage, who have no children prior to marriage and who do not live together before marriage have about a 15 percent chance of divorce, Carroll said.
According to a study conducted by Bruce Chadwick, retired BYU professor of sociology, of 6,000 LDS members nationwide, those with a temple marriage have around a 15 to 20 percent chance of divorce, and those who marry in the temple and remain active have about a 5 to 10 percent chance of divorce.
Of course 21-year-olds are more mature than 15-year-olds, but the maturity difference between 21- and 30-year-olds is harder to see, Carroll said. The national data suggests that marrying before 21 can have a higher rate of divorce, but this divorce rate levels off after 21. Carroll said this age of leveling off may be younger for the LDS population because LDS who get married younger are more accepted socially.
In the same study conducted by Chadwick, he found the average age for LDS men who get married is 23 and for women it is 21.5. This is quite different from the national average: 28 for men, 27 for women.
Julia (last name withheld), a senior majoring in elementary education at BYU, was married at 19 and was divorced 10 months later. She said she felt ready to get married, but her former spouse was not ready.
Some people think that all they need is love to make a marriage work, but Julia said couples need to compromise and to continue to work on their relationships once married. Julia knows people who were young when they were first married and were divorced in one or two years, but she said she also has friends who got married younger than 20 and are still very happy today.
One important experience to have before a marriage, she said, is to live outside of the home. Julia also said it is important for both people in the relationship to be ready for marriage.
Tom Schleiffarth, a former student at UVSC, was also divorced after marrying at 23. He said some people do not realize they are still maturing until their mid-20s and said his former wife decided to take a “different path” in life shortly after they were married.
“In the end every situation is different,” Schleiffarth said. “In general it”s better to wait a little bit.”
He said a big part of making a relationship work is having good communication skills and being able to express needs and wants.
Since sexuality is reserved for marriage for LDS people, Dr. Alan Hawkins, professor of family life at BYU, said there is more motivation to think about marriage when a relationship becomes serious. He said the LDS church is a pro-family, pro-kid group and stresses marriage and family as a step in life, which is different from the rest of the world.
“Church members value faith and commitment,” Hawkins said. “Chaste before marriage gets them thinking this marriage thing is really good.”
He said that Utah Valley has a “good pool of young adults.” Many are getting educated, don”t do drugs and have strong values, he said.
“The optimum age to get married is when you are at a point in terms of your maturity that you really want to be in a serious relationship,” Hawkins said. “Find the right person and make the commitment.”
Hawkins said those that actively postpone marriage are doing themselves a disservice. He said there are no studies showing cohabitation before marriage is healthy, but many studies have found cohabitation before marriage is detrimental. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the probability of marriage ending in divorce in the first five years is 20 percent, but with those who cohabited first, the number jumps up to a 49 percent chance.
“That”s our culture,” Hawkins said. “We want choice; we don”t want commitment.”
Carroll said there is some research being conducted at the University of Texas Austin suggesting that those who get married in their late 20s or early 30s may have a less successful marriage than those who are married in their early to mid 20s.
There are several reasons why people are getting married older, Carroll said. This generation experienced the divorce of parents more than any generation before, he said. Also, the economy right now pushes young adults to get a higher education, which can delay marriage. Many young adults think of themselves first and about a family second. They think marriage is unstable, he said.
“While it makes sense, we have a lot of young people preparing for the worst-case scenario instead of the best,” Carroll said. “I”m worried about the people who think they can do everything right and then will still get divorced.”
Dave B. Hagen, the second counselor in the BYU 8th Stake presidency, has been working with married BYU student wards for almost four years. He said he has noticed that those who go on a mission before marriage, both women and men, seem to be more mature when they are married.
“You would think if you were married later you would be more mature,” Hagen said, “but in reality there are some very immature 30 year olds and other very mature 19 year olds.”
He said commitment in marriage is one of the most important factors, and he said he thinks people in the LDS church have a higher commitment to their spouses.
“No matter how old you are you have to work on your marriage or it will go sideways,” Hagen said.
Hagen said when people are living principles of the LDS Church, it is harder to have problems in marriage.
