By RANDY TAYLER
Some of you are wondering where all those contributions for “Lighting the Way” are really going. Well, with the help of a little illicit detective work, I single-handedly discovered on what the “Lighting the Way” contributions are going to be spent.
Most distressing was the $100,000 allocated for the purchase of inflatable dummies to be used with the less popular Devotional speakers; the plan is to use them to fill up the Marriott Center in order to make the speakers feel like they’re just as loved as the General Authorities.
I guess you could say that I’m lying. I don’t know exactly where the money is going. But I felt very keen on donating the value of a “night out” to the LTW campaign. Then I noticed that a “night out” might conceivably include a dinner at Carver’s. This frightened me somewhat, because such conceptions are clearly the result of a delusional mind. My roommate is still making payments on a meal he had at Carver’s in July. And I was worried the same person that had made that misconception might be in charge, to some degree, of spending the LTW funds.
Possibly this was the same person who approved the LTW Guilt Van, which rode around campus, loudly reminding everyone that they hadn’t donated jack-diddly-squat, and which also motivated people to donate quickly so that the van would GO AWAY. (I’m telling the truth this time: I promise I saw it twice last semester.)
Well, that little plan backfired: I, personally, had no intention of donating to make my school a better place to study, when someone on the receiving end of my donation was polluting it with noise. I e-mailed the LTW office to state just that, and the van finally did go away, so I returned to my initial state of keenness (see paragraph 2) towards donating to the campaign.
I love BYU. Granted, I’ve never been to a single football game, and I’ve never hiked the Y, and I’ve never gotten engaged (Just kidding! Who hasn’t been engaged once or twice?), but I consider BYU my home. Currently my home has a big hole right in the middle of what I considered the patio, but it’s for an extension of the library. And heaven knows we needed more library — I mean, for goodness sake, it only took a portable tape player to teach you how to get around. After the expansion is completed, freshman English classes will require a weekend “retreat,” during which they will be able to explore all 17 underground floors (and they can note the locations of all the flare guns in case they ever get lost).
Anyway, I love this school, and I’m extremely grateful that so much of it is paid for by church tithing. Grateful enough to donate my own moola to making it better. “Making it better,” though, sounds a wee bit general, and so I think I’d better find out just where this money is going. Is it, for example, going to the building of a parking garage? That’s doubtful, unfortunately, but boy would that be nice. If Mother Nature had wanted us to walk, she wouldn’t have given us cars! Think about it.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey, how can he read my mind?” But deep down, you’re really thinking “Should I contribute to Lighting the Way?”
Well, duh. What did you think, I was going to write all this stuff and say, “No, it’s better to be a selfish brat, living off other people’s tithes and offerings?” Although now that I mention it, that option also has some valid points … but don’t think about that.
Think about what a great excuse it is to take your date someplace cheap, and say, “Yeah, I was GOING to take you to La Chatteau De Expensiv, but I gave away our date money. Can I steal a fry?” Girls go for that charity thing, trust me. When you’ve been a bachelor for as long as I have, you turn 23. (And you learn stuff like that about girls along the way.)
In conclusion, I haven’t seen the Guilt Van around, and you can learn where every contribution is going by looking at the LTW website at www.byu.edu/ltw, so check it out, and donate some cashola. You can even donate your money through me, but I wouldn’t recommend it (publicly).