By Stephen Vincent
Remember as a kid making the christmas wish list to send to Santa?
Well now for many of the college-aged singles at BYU, it''s time to make the spouse wish list.
For the ladies, such a wish list might include a man who can bench press a Chevy with one arm, while rocking a baby to sleep in the other. Oh, and he makes so much money that his tithing equals Bill Gates'' annual income.
For the elders, it may be a girl who looks like Britney, sings opera, makes gourmet meals, loves Halo and knows enough about football to know it''s Gary Crowton - not Gary Crouton.
While lists are fine, BYU LDS marriage and family professor Douglas Brinley warns students to be realistic.
'I like to joke and say, ''you want to marry a 10, but you''re only a 1.5,''' Brinley said. 'Once you get to know anyone, you see their weaknesses because everyone''s human. You want to find the person who raises you to the highest pinnacle.'
Brinley points to a J. Golden Kimball quote to debunk the notion of a perfect marriage:
'If a perfect man married a perfect wife, I bet he''d shoot her inside a week if she didn''t poison him first.'
The idea of a perfect spouse is perpetuated by the myth of soul mates, said Nate Orien, 24, a junior from Anchorage, Alaska, majoring in mechanical engineering.
'People think there''s this one and only in this life,' Orien said. 'The Brethren have made it clear that that idea is an illusion.'
Brinley said singles who are seeking the perfect spouse are looking for the wrong thing.
'The person you''re going to marry is going to have a lot of flaws,' Brinley said. 'Marriage is a profound commitment, and you have a lot to teach each other. Rather than looking for perfection, you need to have someone humble enough to learn from you and teach you.'
Orien said he believes people need focus on what kind of companion they will be for their spouse.
'We do expect more out of people than we''re willing to give,' Orien said. 'We want to marry up, but we don''t always want to perform up to that level. We have to try to be the right person so we can meet the right person.'
Although The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that couples need to achieve salvation together, Orien said he doesn''t believe that this doctrine puts extra pressure on him when he is seeking a companion.
'It (that teaching) carries with it a greater respect for that decision,' Orien said. 'But the way I look at it is that we have to make it through this life first. If we do that, we''ll be all right. I see that as the realistic but optimistic view.'
Brinley compared a marriage to going to work for an employer, you find out the employer''s expectations and try to live up to them.
'Most happily married people find out what their mate wants them to do, and then they do it,' Brinley said. 'Happily married people serve each other all the time.'
Orien said he believes spouse selection is an important aspect of a happy marriage.
Orien points to a quote Dr. Neil Clark Warren from his book, 'Finding the Love of Your Life': 'Your choice of who to marry is more crucial than everything else combined that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed.'
And because of that, Orien said having some ideals can help make a good decision. Orien used a John Bytheway quote to illustrate this point: 'Choosing a spouse is not like choosing an appliance: You don''t pick one and say, ''This will do.'''
Orien said the most important thing is to keep the gospel perspective and know that it''s the gospel - not looks, money or charisma - that is going to make a marriage work.
And that means there''s really only one item on the list that should matter - spirituality.
'You want someone who''s going to make you better,' Brinley said. 'Someone whose commitment is to the Church. Someone who has the same values you do.'