I was disappointed by the Jacqueline Lee's article 'BYU dating boils down to a science.' The article was borderline scientific nor did it address the other half of the dating pool. As a semi-professional biologist and keen observer of the dating pool, I have decided to correct these egregious errors with my own classification system.
The first variety of young lady you encounter on campus is The Utahn (ohmygoshus obscurus). This fine specimen is easily identified by the cellular phone embedded in the right ear. When you try to remove the phone during a date, she will become annoyed and unresponsive. She travels in herds, though communication is limited to a series of high pitched nowaynoway!'s and thespiritisawesome!'s. She is capable of answering all questions during a date with either phrase. She is generally oblivious to her surroundings (oncoming traffic, stop lights, pedestrians, lectures) but will squeal when passing any male with his hat on backwards.
This species will evolve with time to become The Hottie (Midriff exposium). The cell phone remains a prominent feature but is now used as a tool to avoid answering any questions about her plans for Friday. Black PVC trench coats and straightened hair are common. While their range does not extend to the library, they can be readily found near the Smith Field House. Her selective pressure is responsible for the shortage of necks generally observed in the males in that region. Frosty on dates, only eats carrots at any restaurant, and swears NICMO is in the articles of faith...somewhere...
If collecting The Hottie, be aware that she cannot be brought near a Molly (Eternity orbustus). Molly is sharply critical of belly buttons and mismatched socks. She will squawk when confronted with either. She has filled out mission papers three times only to ask the Executive Secretary on a date while waiting for her final interview each time. Her selective pressure is responsible for most of the two-week marriages at BYU as she may be called away on a mission 'at any moment.'
Molly keeps company with Freudette (Shrinkum headarus). Freudette will court anything that breathes, but insists on discovering the details of her date's relationship with his Mom, Dad and all past girlfriends. She is obsessed with mangos and pineapples. If you say you are a guava person, she will gasp and ask if the bishop knows. She is the ultimate generalist and will likely leave the date early with a passing waiter as he appeared to be 'more emotionally open.' Freudette is easily identified by the shriveled heads she carries on her belt and the personality color test under her arm.
Natives of the Wilk describe a rare creature called only 'Amy.' It is rumored that she likes to eat ice cream and can carry on a quite conversation. She has a testimony of more than the goodness of her roommates and can understand an article in the New York Times. I was on her trail all last year only to discover that she was spending the cold months in Chile on a mission. If you are ever in Chile and stumble across Amy, let her know that I am looking for her.
Adam Pfost
Idaho Falls, ID