By Kyle Monson
Okay, so here''s the thing: you flip on VH1 (I don''t, but you probably do), and they''re celebrating 'divas' or something like that, or you turn to MTV and get to look at rock stars flaunting their palatial mansions. Sick of that, you go to ESPN and are treated to images of Yao Ming in a limo, Tiger Woods holding aloft his newest trophy, or the latest tally of Lebron''s endorsements. Sick of that, you go to one of the networks where you are subjected to 'Entertainment Tonight,' or some such drivel that deifies Parker Posey, even though most of us couldn''t name two movies she''s been in.
Where did we go wrong? In the good ol'' days, the entertainer was a minstrel or a jester or something like that, and no one gave a fig how much they made or what they did with their spare time or who they dated. Imagine following some minstrel around on an international tour! Nowadays the entertainer owns a private jet so he or she can get places quicker to entertain with maximum efficiency.
When did the entertainers take over? How did we let this happen? When the proletariats took over Russia, at least they did it with guns and a revolution. When the celebrities took over America, they did it with People magazine and the E! channel. Much more effective, don''t you think?
So we''re now subject to the whims of these big-headed, the-world-revolves-around-me-and-my-Hummer celebrities. If you think about it, though, what do they have to be so arrogant about?
What are actors, except people who pretend they''re someone else? An Oscar-winning actor is just someone who is really good at pretending he''s someone else. Is $5 million per film enough, Mrs. Zeta-Jones, or would you like a raise?
What''s an athlete, except someone who has trained himself to play a game? Tiger Woods is a golfer. A fantastic golfer, to be sure, but a golfer. Even a golfer who is so good he defies all description is still a golfer. In our enlightened day and age, why do we worship golfers?
What''s a rock star, but someone who can''t sing very well? Any long-haired monkey can learn to play the guitar (it''s true, studies have proven it). So why do we worship a long-haired monkey who plays the guitar with particular ferocity? And drummers? Don''t get me started!
So here''s what we''re going to do: We''re takin'' the power back! Let''s boycott ''em all! We know that boycotting works. Remember that one time, when we all silently agreed to boycott Mariah Carey forever? Look at her now! All she does is those diva award shows on VH1! Ha! She''s a social Mariah! (Get it?)
They say they''re artists, and art is to be respected and well-funded. I say they''re mere entertainers. And, however much Shaq or Fred Durst might disagree with me, entertainers should not be the focal point of a society or an economy.
So let''s send a message to the new ruling class. In fact, I have a message I''d like to send right now: I was shooting hoops in the schoolyard when you were eating strained peas, Lebron. Betta'' reco''nize.