By Michael Todd
Members of my family suffer from mild hypochondria, or a severe preoccupation with their health.
This is not a professional diagnosis, and I am not a doctor. I''ve treated a few mild heart attack-like chest pains, a nasty West Tigris mosquito bite, a Spanish flu allergen and a type of brain tumor commonly known as the headache.
If you suffer from similar ailments, I feel my experience in this area may help.
Most ailments are contagious and can be transmitted in various ways.
Television seems to be an excellent vehicle through which medical problems travel. Avoid it when you can.
Do you remember in the movie 'Poltergeist' when the creepy little blonde girl put her hands on the television screen, turned to her parents and said, 'They''re here'?
That''s how it is in my house. Except, we''re not running from giant, maggot-infested chicken legs or falling through jelly-filled dimensional portals in our ceiling.
Instead, we debate whether or not we''re suffering from some rare form of whatever afflicted the dead guy on 'Quincy' or killed a patient on the last episode of 'Doogie Howser, MD.'
If you can''t bring yourself or your afflicted loved one to turn off your television, there are other methods of treatment.
I like to quote facts, 'According to our medical journal, there are approximately two cases of this particular affliction per million people. You have a better chance of getting hit by a bus than having cysticularfibromalygneaoses.'
If that doesn''t work, try discussing well-known examples of false alarms. 'Do you remember the ''Brady Bunch'' episode when Bobby and Cindy thought they had some rare disease they read about in a medical journal? But they didn''t have anything, did they?'
If these two techniques fail, I like to talk about the cost of calling an ambulance to the house. 'It is very expensive to ride in an ambulance. Does our health insurance cover that? Do you realize how much 20 percent of $3,000 is?'
The stark realization of the cost of medical treatment has an amazing effect on rare and mysterious illnesses.
Finally, I''ll prescribe a tall glass of Kool-Aid and a healthy amount of time. If symptoms persist, we''ll seek real medical attention.
Don''t get me wrong. I understand the discomfort is real. But I am not always convinced the disease is.
So before the next health report has you scrambling to seal your doors and windows with duct tape, try turning off your television.
Chances are you''re just fine.