By Brittany Savage
Too many couples get caught up in the Hollywood portrayal of romance in relationships and do not focus on reality before plunging into marriage.
'People get married on this really emotional high,' said Jeffry Larson, a professor of marriage and family therapy. 'You start discovering your differences that you didn''t talk about before you were married.'
Larson recently wrote 'The Great Marriage Tune-up Book,' which addresses problems and solutions to disillusionment in marriage.
Love and romance are important factors in a relationship, but they are not the only factors, despite what movies may portray.
'Real love is more than just romance,' said Tom Holman, a professor of family life.
'I think the Hollywood and Hallmark phenomena are worse in Utah County than the rest of the world,' Larson said.
Enticing ring and cake advertisements abound, but no one asks people if they are ready or have what it takes to be married. Many times people do not look at the huge commitment they are making, Larson said.
'The biggest challenge, I think, to BYU students is the acquaintanceship is so short before they get married,' Larson said. 'This is dangerous because the more you get to know a person, the better the chances you''re going to be happily married.'
A courtship that lasts at least a year allows a couple to go through all four seasons, meet the parents, work out problems and see the real person, he said.
'We dated for two years and marriage has been the best,' said newlywed Callie Greding, a recent BYU graduate in health science. 'We knew exactly what we were getting into.'
All the realities of married life and blending two personalities suddenly come into play, Larson said.
'A lot of girls told me they were pretty shocked about things,' Greding said. 'One girl said that her husband left his clothes on the floor and did not help clean up. She was so upset.'
Most couples face this reality check but do not know how to get through it.
'Hang in there,' Larson said. 'The best solution to that problem is expect it to happen. There''s going to be a little bit of a let down. Don''t let that become a crisis. Realize you can make adjustments. If you really love each other and commit to each other, you can make adjustments.'
Larson''s book offers questionnaires to help people tune-up their relationships.
Many of the questions come from RELATE, the relationship evaluation program Larson helped develop to help couples evaluate their relationships and compare them to others.
Larson''s book allows couples to compare their scores on the questionnaires with those of 5,000 other couples to see where they stand, he said.
'If you do regular service on your relationship then it will not go down the tubes or develop huge problems you can''t solve,' Larson said. 'Once you find the problems, you can set goals for how to strengthen that area of your marriage.'
Larson related relationships to cars. A car, like any relationship, needs regular tune-ups so it will last longer without breaking down.
'It becomes more of a friendship, enjoying time spent together and being buddies,' Larson said.
'You become two best friends working together to work through things,' Greding said.
Often couples don''t realize talking about their relationship with each other and other people is important.
People may feel alone when dealing with marital problems, especially BYU students who think a temple marriage should not have any problems, Larson said.
'Nobody talks to each other,' Larson said. 'It''s the inter-marriage taboo theory.'
People can find that other couples are having similar problems and it''s OK to talk about them, he said.
'If you''re struggling with your marriage, and you knew four other couples, and three of them were also struggling, that would make you feel a heck of a lot better that you''re not the only couple trying to work things out,' Larson said.
'Communicate, listen, speak kind words, avoid criticism and don''t be defensive or negative,' he said.
Communication is key in conflict resolution.
'If you are good at communicating then you can work things out in two seconds and it''s over,' Greding said. 'Work things out together before you get married or you won''t know how afterwards.'
'Premarital communication is one of the best predictors of a happy marriage,' Holman said.
Larson and Holman have worked together for almost 10 years researching factors that predict happy marriages and helping in the development of RELATE.
Larson offers names of professionals and titles of self-help books and organizations that can help people with marital problems.
'The last chapter of 'The Great Marriage Tune-up Book' includes a listing of resources for marriage enrichment from a variety of sources,' Larson said.
Larson''s first book, 'Should We Stay Together?' came out last year. It offers questions and guidelines for couples considering marriage.
'I think BYU students may be interested in that,' Larson said. 'It''s a fun one for single people to read.'
More information about the RELATE program can be found at https://relate.byu.edu.