Crystal Bowman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, taught Education Week attendees how to confront one’s self-critic during her lecture titled “I’m Not Enough: Three Tools to Challenge the Inner Critic.”
Bowman explained, in her therapy sessions when a patient states an issue, she responds with, “What’s so bad about that?” each time. She said this eventually reaches the point when patients say they are a failure.
She said human brains are naturally designed to separate concepts and then construct a judgment based on the information. The issue with judgment arises when one compares people to each other.
An individual may harmfully criticize themselves by calling oneself worthless, feeling guilty, limiting themselves from opportunities and overly striving for perfectionism.
“The biggest problem with perfectionism — there’s a lot — is you’re never going to get there. ‘I want an A, I want 100% on this test, so I get it, and then now I want to have extra credit,’” Bowman said. “There’s no way to ever catch it, so we just get in this ‘I’m not enough’ business.”
Bowman said being compassionate to oneself is an effective long-term solution to help overcome the “I’m not enough” problem.
“If I am super mean to myself, that means I’m practicing judgment. That means I'm going to be more judgmental of other people,” Bowman said. “If I’m really judgmental of other people and practicing that, guess what? I'm going to get more critical with myself.”
When one makes a mistake, Bowman recommends practicing mindfulness, saying kind words to oneself, recognizing one’s humanity and learning from the experience.
She said compassion is a skill one can develop and improve on.
Bowman then invited attendees to ask themselves what tone of voice they hear in their minds when they think of a self-judgment, who does the voice sound like, when do they hear it most often and when they feel the opposite. She said considering when an individual feels the opposite of the judgment can help direct the individual to know how to confront the thought.
Bowman mentioned thought replacement therapy in which an individual replaces any negative thoughts with positive ones. She then offered an approach in which an individual would instead gradually progress from a negative thought to a positive one as if taking one step at a time on a ladder. For example, a person may think “I hate my body,” then instead switch to “I struggle with my body,” then “I have a body,” “My body does many things,” until finally reaching “I love that about my body.”
Bowman then presented various tools to address one’s self-critic, including the thumb analogy, the two boxes, imagining a friend and rewriting.
The thumb analogy
The thumb analogy can be used when an individual is over-identifying oneself with their struggles. If a person was obsessed with their thumb, Bowman said, they wouldn’t introduce themselves by saying, “I’m thumb.” Because of this, people who make mistakes and are obsessed with those mistakes shouldn’t say “I’m bad” or “I’m stupid” since their mistakes do not define who they are.
Two boxes
Bowman said there is a difference between the statements “I am” and “I feel.” However, an individual may confuse these, saying “I am bad” when one should instead say “I feel bad.”
She suggested separating these statements into two boxes, one titled “I am” and one titled “I feel.” She offered an example where she put “I am a mother” in the first box and “I feel horrible” in the second box instead of saying “I am a horrible mother.”
“You can see how this tool just separates. It takes a step back,” Bowman said. “It’s that mindful piece that takes a step back from the deep judgment.”
Imagine a friend
Bowman recommended giving oneself the same compassion they would give to a friend. If a friend made a mistake, an individual would likely say the mistake was an accident and not judge the friend. Therefore, individuals should not judge themselves harshly when they make a mistake.
“The critical voice is just an inflamed version of what we're trying to do, right? So, if I think ‘I’m so stupid,’ it’s because I’m trying to do something in a way that works and functions and is intelligent. I'm trying to avoid criticism. I'm trying to avoid the pain,” Bowman said. “The purpose of a critical thought in your voice, in your mind, is to help you.”
Rewriting
Bowman suggesting rephrasing the way in which an individual thinks about oneself — switching from the self-critic’s voice to a voice of self-compassion. Instead of saying, “I failed,” Bowman suggested thinking, “I learned something.” Instead of saying, “I have no friends,” say, “Maybe there’s someone I can reach out to.”
“We are all children of God. We can be kind and love ourselves and others. We can try, try again, and we can have faith that we can be better,” Bowman said. “I want to change the title ‘I’m not enough’ to ‘I am enough’ because I have a Heavenly Father and He loves you and He wants to help you.”
It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you — as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.
Lori Squires, an attendee from St. George, Utah, came to the lecture because she felt she struggled with her own inner critical voice
“One thing that really stood out to me that I really liked was the reminder that our critical voice does have a true purpose, but that’s to help us,” Squires said. “Help protect us, warn us or help us cement learning.”
Benjamin Garcia, an attendee from Mexico, enjoyed the discussion on an individual’s relationship with God and how one’s childhood has a major impact on what an individual thinks of oneself now.