Gathered inside the Hinckley Center’s assembly hall on Aug. 19, BYU Education Week attendees listened to Carrie Wrigley, therapist and author of “Your Happiness Toolkit,” talk about the role of time and communication in building trust, confidence and emotional safety in relationships.
At the start of her presentation, Wrigley discussed how most relationships begin experiencing trouble as they allow the “little, teeny things” to begin taking away from their time and communication with loved ones.
“We start to spend less time together — often just for normal reasons: work and kids and church callings, ... our hobbies and our community responsibilities,” she said.
Adding to the list of things that harm relationships, Wrigley described how an increased reliance on communication media deteriorates relationships by taking away the elements, such as body language and vocal tone, that make communication meaningful.
“We're sending each other little black and white … words — emojis help, but that's not the same thing — and as we rely more and more on those … words on our devices, we literally eliminate, from the outset, 90% of meaningful communication,” Wrigley said.
However, working as a counselor for more than 30 years, Wrigley shared tips for improving communication, as well as lessons she has learned from her personal life experiences.
“I did not come from a perfect family relationship,” Wrigley said. “Conflict everywhere … It took a lot of courage for me to even want to try to have a relationship.”
Despite the discord that characterized the relationships surrounding her while she grew up, Wrigley said she was fortunate to experience situations in relationships that gradually helped her open her heart and recognize the value of time and communication in fostering trust.
According to Wrigley, when trust is broken, time is the first element of repair, followed by an effort to improve one’s communication skills.
“Learning how to actually talk to each other in ways that repair and restore trust, that build that sense of connection and safety is one of the most important things we can learn in any context,” Wrigley said.
Breaking down the fundamentals of good communication, Wrigley said effective communication is reflective, it involves a genuine effort to listen and reflect back what the other is saying.
“Our tendency as human beings is to listen long enough to get the idea of what they're saying, so that we can come up with our defense,” Wrigley said. “If we're going to create actual communication, if somebody is talking to us and sharing an idea with us, our job is to reflect back what they say.”
In addition to practicing reflective listening, Wrigley discussed the importance of including positive and loving statements in conversation.
Referencing a concept she learned from John Gottman’s book “The Relationship Cure,” Wrigley said that in order for the climate of a relationship to stay healthy, there needs to be five positive elements for every one negative element.
“If you're going to give a constructive criticism, you need to have at least five positives,” she said.
Wrigley explained this method of communication follows the example of Jesus Christ, and is a helpful tool when encountering sensitive and crucial conversations.
“Whether it’s … that conversation over the desk with your employee who isn’t living up to standard or the erring kid, … showing love first, giving the difficult feedback and then showing more love tends to be the most effective,” she said.
College student Amber Pond traveled from Washington to attend the week of seminars with her friend Sydney Hohenstern from Georgia.
Reflecting on Wrigley’s presentation, Hohenstern said she really enjoyed seeing the communication process broken down and being able to understand the different ways people communicate. She explained disagreements in a relationship are inevitable, but she hopes to take what she has learned and use it to navigate difficult conversations in her present and future relationships.
Similarly, Pond shared she liked learning about the importance of balancing constructive feedback with positivity and gratitude.
“(You) say what was bothering you, but also couple it with compliments and with things that you appreciate about the person so it doesn’t come off as an attack and more as a conversation,” she said.
Looking forward, Pond said she plans to apply the five positive things to one negative thing ratio in her communication and hopes it will increase the joy and peace she finds in her relationships.
Those interested in learning more from Wrigley and other speakers, can visit BYU Education Week’s registration page and its class schedule for more details. Registration closes when the week of seminars concludes on Aug. 23, 2024.