Derek Welch was in his first week in the mission field when his trainer got the infamous “Dear John” letter.
His eyes were soon opened to the pain and sorrow that exists with these types of 'waiting' relationships and he wrote the following song in response to his companion's pain.
'I got a letter like I always do, but I could tell that something was new / I started reading from left to right, with tears streaming down my eyes / She said he was a handsome man, he studied hard and he had a plan / She really thinks he is the one and she told me that we are done.'
For BYU students and LDS singles, missions add an additional quirk to relationships. Whether it’s dating someone waiting for a missionary, not dating while waiting for a missionary or trying to steal the heart of someone in one of those situations, these relationships add layers of emotional complexity to the LDS experience.
Jon Kotter, from Sandy, studying business management, is opinionated about 'the waiting game' and thinks people are just being silly.
'Friends don't let friends date missionaries,' Kotter said. 'Waiting for missionaries is a good idea, assuming you like pain. As a missionary having someone wait for you is a great idea assuming you like distraction and disappointment.'
Though the success rate is not the greatest, people will try again and again to fight for what they think they know they want and deserve: love. Kelsey Smith, a BYU student from California, believes relationships will continue to be difficult whether or not a missionary is involved.
'I wish I could make some blanket statement that if you're going to wait for a missionary it should involve some vow of dating celibacy,' Smith said. 'I've had friends who have been just as hurt and messed up by guys or girls still in love with their exes, so I'd be more prone to say don't get involved in a relationship if you are still emotionally involved with someone else, regardless of whether a missionary is involved.'
Emotions run deep
Benjamin Johnson, 22, from Valencia, Calif., dated a girl who had a missionary and things did not quite go the way he intended. Johnson described the end as a 'dark damp evening in the car.' The breakup conversation began with, “I have a confession.”
“I instantly knew that it was going to change from a lovely chat to one of those conversations,' Johnson said. 'She didn't want to become one of those people. Because she was waiting for a missionary who recently left, she knew that breaking my heart was simply inevitable -- disregard any relationship we had developed over the last four months of dating.”
Johnson described the situation as ironic because she didn’t want to hurt him, but breaking up with him did.
“Who wants to be a part of something that they know is ending because no matter what they do they will always be second best?' Johnson said. 'Got to love when a girl has a missionary, right?'
Smith said she dated a guy who had a missionary and the end proved they were definitely not 'soul-mates.'
'I met H. -- anonymity makes me classier, yes? -- through a mutual friend,' Smith said. 'H. was still emotionally messed up by his missionary girlfriend. On our second day of dating he told me he wouldn't be writing his girlfriend anymore, and then on our eighth day of dating he broke up with me because he was still in love with his girlfriend.'
The next two months were followed by hook-ups, break-ups and exclusive dating. Smith said embarrassingly that she loved him, and H. was at least honest with his feelings: 'I like being with you because then I don't have to think about her.' 'You know we're not going to keep dating after I graduate, right?' and the real kicker, 'You're my settling soul mate.''
Is it worth the time?
Johnson himself debates whether his time pursuing a young woman waiting for a missionary was well spent.
'I honestly don't know,' Johnson said. 'I wouldn't say it was a waste of time, simply because now I know not to date people who are intent on marrying their missionary. I wouldn't say waste, just poorly spent.'
Bill McGreaham, 27, from Spokane, Wash., has seen the other end of the spectrum, where girls were the ones who ended up with their time being wasted.
His roommate was waiting for a young woman serving a mission whom he was determined to marry. He went through a dozen relationships with other young women because his heart was focused on the missionary.
“He wasn't dating lightly: he was developing relationships with these girls that he didn't want to pursue,” McGreaham said. “Almost every girl was hurt in the end, and it seemed he was using them as nothing more than space fillers. Casual dating is different from developing relationships, and he sided with the latter as opposed to the former.'
Jayme D'Ewart from Rock Springs, Wyo., told the story of her roommate who started a relationship that seemed to have possibilities, but, in the end, the man couldn’t cut off his missionary relationship.
'She eventually confronted him about it and he told her he was in love with the girl on a mission and believed he could never love anyone as much as he had loved that girl,' D'Ewart said. 'He then proceeded to tell my roommate that sometimes when he was with her and her family he could see them being together forever, and other times he couldn’t. But wait, it gets better -- he and his missionary had dated for one week before she left for her mission.'
Should people wait for a missionary?
Work is what marriage is full of, said Michael Goodman, a marriage and family professor. He said there is no 'thus saith the Lord' on the matter, but he does not believe waiting is the best idea.
'First, the Lord has asked every able young man to prepare for and serve a full-time mission,' Goodman said. 'Anything which makes a young man less likely or able to do both faithfully should be avoided. Second, for one who may be inclined to 'wait' (male or female), they must continue to grow and progress. To live a year and a half or two years in limbo is not only detrimental to the person waiting -- it also lessens the chance of success in the 'waited' relationship later since only one half of that relationship will continue to grow and progress while the other half stagnates.'
For some, however, it seems to work out. Benjamin Lloyd, 26, studying civil engineering, understood that developing relationships was important to him.
Lloyd started dating a young woman six months before she left and decided to wait for her.
'We weren't planning on getting married when she got home or anything like that; we didn't feel that we could make that decision at that time,' Lloyd said. 'But because I loved her and wanted to pick up where we left off upon her return I decided not to date other girls. I feel that that choice is different for different couples and that both sides have their advantages.'
The missionary has returned home and she and Lloyd are now dating.
'Life is good,' Lloyd said about the happy couple.
Approaches to dating while waiting
McKenzie Christensen is waiting for a missionary but is still willing to date other men, if they will give her a chance.
'I avoid telling people about my missionary in fear they will judge me and think of me as some scum who is ruining and distracting a guy on his mission,' Christensen said. 'They will tell me what to say, what I am doing wrong, what I should do instead, and make me think I am a failure in supporting him on his mission and I am a menace to society when they have no clue what our relationship was like before or how it is now.'
In contrast to the people who still try to date while waiting, there are individuals like Rachel Bower who believe they will marry their missionary. In preparation for that, she has decided to not date anyone while her missionary is gone.
'I'm the type of girl that has no desire whatsoever to date anyone but my boy,' Bower said. 'To me it seems if I did want to date, then I don't love my missionary enough to marry him.”
Peter Hall, from Newhall, Calif., a roommate to Derek Welch, believed he could sum up the dating-while-waiting situation pretty well.
'Whoever is on a mission, their priority is not you,' Hall said. 'So if you decide that you are going to wait for that person and suppress whatever feelings you have for people around you, especially as a guy, you shouldn’t be asking girls out on dates, because asking girls out on dates are hollow invitations.”
Some just have a rule against dating others waiting for missionaries. Jason Facer, 23, from Santa Maria, Calif., won’t date girls who are waiting for missionaries.
'Do I want to waste my money on a girl who has a missionary?' Facer said. 'Not a chance.'
For Smith, the aforementioned 'settled soul-mate,' such emotional traps come with the BYU culture.
'Ultimately, we're all just making up this relationship stuff as we go,' Smith said. 'Adding a missionary to the relationship equation may be some weird sort of Mormon X-Factor, but honestly, relationships will insist on being complicated regardless.'