By Sam Scorup
Couples should be aware of each other''s needs and learn to change their expectations going into a relationship, recognizing marriage will bring about change in their lives, Kenneth W. Matheson said Tuesday during Education Week.
Many who are preparing for marriage believe widespread myths about marriage. These myths - sometimes spread by movies and books - lead to unreasonable expectations, Matheson said.
'Expectations not met usually are personalized,' he said.
When spouses expect their significant others to know all their thoughts and desires, and say their spouses don''t love them if they don''t do everything they want, expectations are irrational, Matheson said.
'Some of us create our own pain by setting unrealistic expectations,' he said.
One''s upbringing influences his or her behavior and expectations - expectations that can be too high, he said.
'Nobody on their wedding day says they want the shortest marriage on record,' Matheson said.
People generally don''t foresee having marital problems, but after time, disillusionment may set in. Both partners must strive to make things work out, Matheson said.
'Marriage is only as strong as the weakest partner,' he said.
Matheson cited a scientific study in his recommendation that one share five positive comments with a partner for every one negative comment made. He also referred to comments from President Gordon B. Hinckley, who said people should emphasize a spouse''s virtues more than their vices.
Unmet expectations are strongly related to one''s upbringing. It is common for couples to try to change each other in an attempt to make partners meet their needs or expectations, Matheson said. A better alternative is to acknowledge a partner''s kindness and show affection, he said.
Matheson illustrated an example of differing expectations with the story of his newlywed 40-year-old son and daughter-in-law.
Before the couple married, the future wife was vacuuming the apartment they would live in. Because the vacuum was too heavy, she decided it was a good idea to buy a lighter one. When her fianc? found out about the purchase, he was disappointed she had not consulted with him before buying the vacuum. On the other hand, his bride-to-be thought she was merely taking a logical approach to solving the problem.
Although there is a temptation to mold a spouse to one''s liking, it is necessary to let them have at least moderate freedom to have their own personality, likes and dislikes, Matheson said.
'We like ourselves more when we control others; it fulfills a need,' he said.
Still, it is important to try doing things the other person''s way, Matheson said.
'Worry more about your spouse''s comfort than your own, and you will have a great marriage,' he said.
INFOBOX:
Common myths about marriage
- There is only one 'right' person
- A good relationship has no conflict
- Conflict = a lack of love
- Temple marriage guarantees satisfaction
- A partner should intuitively know the other''s needs
- Spousal behavior has no effect on a spouse''s feelings for their partner
- One can change a spouse''s behavior by pointing out flaws
- Marriage can fulfill all a person''s needs