By Brittany Jensen
Abuse is about one thing: control.
People who turn to abuse as a means for getting their way have learned this behavior. Often times it is learned in their childhood from parents who were abusive.
According to the Utah Domestic Violence Council, 3.3 million children are exposed to violence each year. Children are twice as likely to be abusive if they grow up seeing it at home. Other times children learn the behavior because they realize that if they exert their control over others, they get things their way.
'Some may not come from abusive backgrounds; it could be more a sense of entitlement,' said Patricia Mills, community coordinator for the Center for Women and Children in Crisis where many abused women go for help. 'They have found through intimidation or aggressiveness it gets them what they want.'
Research shows that no matter how the abusive behavior was learned, all abusers follow a cycle. The first phase is called the tension phase. This is when things always irritate the perpetrator, but they don''t get angry.
'Their behavior''s becoming aggressive,' Mills said. 'They start controlling all aspects, humiliating , belittling, blaming for anything that goes wrong.'
This phase is described by victims as an anxious time, waiting for the perpetrator to finally explode, which they do in the explosive stage where a violent incident or battering occurs. The reason for the explosion is usually over something minor.
According to Utah Domestic Violence''s 2006 report of domestic-violence-related deaths, Larry Van Camp was shot last year by his girlfriend of three years over a day-long argument about air conditioning.
'It can be as simple as screaming and throwing things around, or it can be as severe as attacking the victim with a bat,' said Sarah Southerland, an abuse survivor and advocate of ending domestic violence. 'Abusive incidents usually don''t last very long, but their effects are devastating. Once the abuser feels that he is back in control of the victim, the violence passes.'
The next phase is the honeymoon phase when the battering stops and the perpetrator apologizes for the earlier eruption. He or she will often promise to never to be abusive again and may do outrageous over-the-top things like buying the victim extravagant things. Mills said the perpetrators will never take the blame, though. They will always say the victims left them with no choice, or it was the alcohol or drugs that made them do it.
Southerland and Mills both agreed that the longer the cycle continues, the shorter the tension stage is and the worse the abuse becomes. When the abuse has finally reached its peak, there is no longer a honeymoon phase. Once this happens, often times the victims don''t make it out alive.
Southerland said toward the end of her violent marriage, the abuse was constant and there was no longer a honeymoon phase. She said when she began attending support groups after she left her husband, people would whisper to each other about how awful her abuse sounded compared to theirs. Southerland kept waiting to find somebody who experienced the same thing as she had, but she never found anybody.
'One night, a month after my first group session, I had a disturbing realization: ''I''m not going to meet anyone here who was abused more than me,''' Southerland said. 'Those women were all dead.'
According to the Domestic Violence Council, the numbers show that 65 percent of women charged with domestic violence are acting in self-defense. Another 30 percent are reacting to prior abuse from their partners.
Domestic violence can also include parents and children fighting. Jamie Peacock, a female Utah County Jail inmate, was sentenced to jail for domestic violence after an 'altercation' she had with her mother.
'I don''t really remember what caused our whole fight,' Peacock said. 'I restrained her from hurting me, and I defended myself more than I should have done.'
Peacock was the one sentenced because she was the predominant aggressor, or the person who exhibited the most violence. She said her mother probably should have been charged as well, noting that she was raised in an abusive environment.
Men are often made out to be the only gender that abuses. Stereotypically, the woman is always the victim and the man is always the perpetrator. However, the Domestic Violence Council statistics show that 85 percent of abusers are male, and 15 percent of the victims are male. Southerland said new research shows a trend toward more women being abusive in relationships.
'If men report domestic violence, they get put down,' said Kent McDonald, clinical director of Sandy Counseling. 'If women report domestic violence, they get believed.'
McDonald said guys are less likely to admit if they are abusive or if they''re abused.
Richard Gleason, a county jail inmate serving his final day on a domestic violence charge, proved that point. He agreed to talk to a reporter but then refused to discuss what happened in the case that landed him in jail.
'That''s my personal life,' Gleason said.
Another male inmate whose case is still pending claimed he had done nothing wrong.
'My aunt called the cops saying I hit her, but I didn''t,' he said. 'She just wanted me out of the house.'
Peacock, on the other hand, admitted she was at fault.
'I should''ve never hit my mom,' Peacock said.