Questions to Ask Before Popping the Question

By Crystalee Webb

Valentine''s Day means more than flowers and chocolates for girls who receive a sparkly something for that left ring finger. Flowers wilt and chocolate melts, but couples can prepare for a lasting marriage by knowing the right questions to ask.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than 6,000 weddings a day in the United States. Yet, 49 percent of U.S. marriages end in divorce according to divorcemag.com. How can couples planning to marry prepare for a happy, fulfilling relationship and not become a divorce statistic?

'Before you marry, get ready,' said Abby Viveiros, researcher and marriage prep teacher. 'Be prepared so that you won''t be overwhelmed and have your expectations crushed.'

Viveiros, executive director of RELATE and Beforeforever, online resources for pre-marital couples, has helped hundreds prepare for marriage, and gives advice for those considering marriage.

'It''s easy to fall in love, but some people aren''t in love with the institution of marriage,' Viveiros said. 'Until you fall in love with both , you''re just not ready.'

To get to know a prospective spouse better, Viveiros suggested pre-marital questions for couples like, 'Tell me about your childhood,' 'What kind of career do you want?' 'What are your fears about the future?' 'What did you like/dislike about your parent''s marriage?' and even questions like, 'Do you believe in doing the dishes?'

Couples that don''t ask questions before marriage discover answers the hard way after the wedding. BYU students Brandon and Cody Roper, both from Boise, Idaho, married in 2004, and soon learned they had different views of family life. In Cody''s family, it was the wife''s place to cook and clean. In Brandon''s, the father helped out in the kitchen. So when Brandon would offer to cook, Cody took it to mean that he did not approve of her domestic abilities. It was a learning experience they worked through, but Cody believes that the problem would have been avoided if they had talked about expectations prior to their wedding.

'Make it a point to pay attention to the way they operate,' Cody said.

Viveiros agrees that noticing little things before marriage is important.

'Observing will tell you one hundred times more than just asking them,' Viveiros said. 'Watch them in stressful situations, see how they act or react. See if they have anger problems or if they are very committed.'

Understanding each other?s backgrounds before marriage helps couples be sure they have found a compatible partner, and helps them prepare for an unknown future together.

?Marriage is a colliding of two cultures,? said Stephen Scholle, from Fresno, Calif. Scholle is engaged to BYU student Jessica Hessing, an elementary education major from Orem.

Wearing her fianc?e?s basketball sweatshirt, Jessica told about meeting her soon-to-be-husband. The couple met at Disneyland three years ago in line for a ride. They exchanged e-mails and kept in touch during Stephen''s mission to Venezuela and Chile. After his return, they dated. On a visit to the place they met, Stephen proposed over ?Neverland? on the Peter Pan ride. Now preparing for marriage, Jessica and Stephen discuss their future plans and goals.

'One big thing that we like to focus on is communication,? Hessing said. ?We know it''s important, so we talk about everything.'

Scholle echoed her thoughts, and said that the most important source for answers about an upcoming marriage is from a higher source.

?More important than anything is continually asking Heavenly Father if this is the right person,? Scholle said. ?Down the long run, that?s going to help prevent divorce because then you both know that?s who you?re supposed to be with.?

Questions to use in the box of chocolates:

1) How are we going to handle money?

2) Who is going to do the laundry?

3) What are your fears of the future?

4) How will we celebrate holidays?

5) How do you handle stressful situations?

6) Who will be responsible for grocery shopping?

7) How does your prospective spouse get along with family/friends?