Editor's note: Due to the highly sensitive nature of issues surrounding addiction to pornography, The Daily
Universe editorial board decided to withhold the author's name from the following article.
Pornography, as our church leaders have counseled us, is vicious, sleazy and it addicts those who view it.
Who in the world would look at such filth? Me, at least I did. In fact, I did for many years. The unfortunate thing is that I know I am not alone. Hundreds, if not thousands of regular church-going BYU students combat the issue of pornography every day.
In my married ward a couple of years ago the brethren took an anonymous survey about pornography. Thirteen percent admitted to having a problem. The stake president said he felt another 13 percent did not tell the truth.
Those of us with pornography addictions feel alone, helpless and want nothing more than to overcome our problem. We have offered hundreds of prayers and made hundreds of promises to God that 'this will be the last time.' But, unfortunately, that never works. We mess up again, and feel even worse than before. The worst part is the fact that the Holy Ghost isn't with us. We all know what it feels like when the Spirit leaves. For individuals with pornography addictions, because of our choices, we do not feel the Spirit most of the time.
Pornography is everywhere and no one is immune. For me, it was so frustrating to have served a faithful mission and, after having been home for a while, returning to pornography, just like a dog to its vomit. Many men grow up thinking that when they get married their addiction will go away because they are able to have sex. This is an illusion; it doesn't go away. I continued to struggle even though I was married. I did not view pornography because I thought my wife was inadequate in any way, she is incredibly attractive and I love her more than anything. Now you may ask why I didn't just stop, since I loved her that much. I asked myself that same question every day. The real issue was that I was addicted, and just like any other addict, I wanted to overcome my problem, but I couldn't. I couldn't overcome it alone. I had already tried quitting on my own probably 1,000 times.
Sometimes I would stay strong for a couple of weeks or months and other times I wouldn't even last a day. It's pretty sad, I know.
Now, on a different note, let me tell you what I have done to regain the Spirit and maintain my life free from pornography and masturbation (which almost always accompanies pornography use).
First of all, I want to tell you that it is not easy, but nothing is too hard for the Lord. I could not do it alone. Involving the Lord does not just mean saying a lot of prayers and making a lot of promises. It means doing what He has asked us to do to - fully repent. Otherwise it is impossible to fully feel His Spirit again. His arms are outstretched, but we limit what He can do for us if we do not do what He asks us to. He has asked us to feel sorrow for our sin and admit that we have erred; that is the easy part.
He then asks us to confess our sins. We must pour out our soul to him for forgiveness and strength. Guys, this also means talking to your bishop, and not holding things back from him. He loves you, and wants to help you feel and be worthy of the Spirit again. If you are married, you need to confess to your spouse also. I will not lie to you, that was the hardest thing I have ever done. It hurt my sweetheart a lot, but I have never regretted telling her. By so doing, I began feeling the Spirit again. The Lord also asks us to forgive ourselves, forsake the sin, and not repeat it. Forgiving myself was hard. The Lord had forgiven me; I needed to do so also. It took a while and lots of prayers, but I did it, and it felt wonderful.
Even after confessing to my wife and bishop I slipped a couple more times. Each time though, I confessed and was able to get the Spirit back. I went to see the BYU counselors; they helped me out a lot. Ultimately, to avoid relapses you must get rid of the access to the source of pornography. I accessed it at work and at home. I quit my job and found another and my wife now is the only one who has the Internet password at home.
If you have a pornography problem, don't give up hope. The Lord loves you just the way you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay that way.