By Michelle Lizon
Individuals need to first recognize their anger and identify the triggers behind their feelings, if they desire to handle their anger in a way that parallels the gospel.
Stephen F. Duncan, a professor in the School of Family Life, discussed how anger can be either constructive or destructive in his lecture, ?Subduing the Spirit of Contention: Identifying Anger Triggers and Anger Signs.?
He said anger is a basic emotion that everyone feels from time to time. Individuals that want to manage their anger through positive means must be willing to acknowledge and understand what triggers their contentious feelings.
One of the most effective tools for individuals to identify the motivation behind their personal anger, is to write down the people and situations that tend to cause them anger, what they feel, and why. This format allows people to identify specific instances of anger, rather than lumping it into one, general emotion that can be difficult to understand.
?If you know what makes you angry, you can create a strategy to fix it,? he said.
Frequently, family members can be a source of frustration. Children can be disobedient. A spouse may fail to meet expectations. Siblings might argue. Duncan said it is imperative for individuals to identify the things that trigger their anger so they can create a plan to positively deal with their emotions, with the help of the Savior.
?As the Lord works with us, fewer things will trigger our angry responses,? he said.
Perception also opens one of the most important doors to handling anger, because how people view situations affects how they act.
Duncan mentioned a past irritation with his mother-in-law; a relationship often linked with being angry. When he first met her, she frequently gave him a giant, smothering hug and kiss. He said this was frustrating to him, because he was raised with all brothers, in an environment with less physical affection. Duncan?s wife on the other hand, was brought up in a home where physical expressions of love were more common- place. With this understanding, Duncan said it was easier for him to realize the actions of his mother-in-law and why they caused him so much frustration.
There are many actions that tend to brew up feelings of animosity. People often feel angry when someone hurts their pride, shows disrespect, or criticizes them.
Individuals can deal with their anger in three ways. First, people can direct anger at others, through actions such as storming out the door, criticizing, yelling, or even physical abuse. Second, they can turn their anger toward themselves, which often leads to personal psychological problems. Duncan said the final and most constructive way to handle anger is through self-control, because it correlates most closely with the commandment given in the scriptures to bridal one?s passions.
?Agency is always involved,? Duncan said. ?No one makes you angry. You make decisions about your feelings in order to keep them within the boundaries set by the Lord.?
When anger is not recognized, it cannot be controlled. This is key, Duncan said, because too often people try to govern others rather than themselves. He gave the example of parents who discipline their children in anger, and add to the contentious situation, rather than alleviating it.
?Our children are taught to not quarrel, but then we go stomp on them and use non-gospel behavior to encourage gospel behavior,? he said.
People need to not only identify what triggers their anger, but they also need to find out what signs indicate those rising emotions. The signs that mark anger fall under three categories: physiological, cognitive, and behavioral. Physical signals may include a flushed face or ?hot ears,? as one class participant mentioned. ?It?s not fair,? or ?I hate my life,? are common thoughts of angry individuals. Actions such as hitting or giving commands generally follow a decision to act upon one?s antagonistic thoughts.
Duncan said there is a great difference between bottling anger, which if often viewed as self-destructive, and controlling anger. Some may think the emission of anger, or ?letting it all out? at others, is a positive release. Duncan said this is a false concept that has been perpetuated for years. Venting anger actually fuels aggression, evident in some of the statistics Duncan gave. In the United States, the rate for child mistreatment was 12.4 percent per 1000 children. The rate in Utah surpassed the national average, for not only child mistreatment, but also spousal abuse. Duncan said this might be the case because some Latter-day Saint households may place higher expectations on the actions of their family members.
Lastly, Duncan encouraged people to not become discouraged with guilt, but rather to take the steps necessary to identify their sources of anger, and deal with it constructively, as they ask the Lord to aid in the guidance of their actions.