By JENS ALAN DANA
The discussion over mankind's greatest invention is ageless and nowhere near resolution. My favorite candidates include the wheel, the Gutenberg printing press, fission, the gas-powered engine or the word 'shizzel.' Appropriately, hardly anyone debates which invention owns society the most, because the winner is undisputable.
When Philo Farnsworth set out to make his television ideas a reality, he envisioned a powerful tool that would permeate through the world's classrooms and become a powerful teaching tool. Somewhere along the way he must have realized he created a monster, because later in life, he told his own son, Kent, 'There's nothing on worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.'
There's no need to beat around the bush - TV owns us. If you don't believe it, take a look at some of the rising trends. A recent study in Chicago revealed a third of teens would flunk a treadmill fitness test. Instead of being the time of life where young adults should be reaching their physical prowess peak, most teens are huffing and puffing on a gradually accelerating treadmill.
Fingers can be pointed, blame can be shifted, scapegoats can be bred; but ultimately, this is an indication of our society's shift towards more couch time and less activity.
TV can also decide with whom you affiliate. Last semester, The Daily Universe reported that large groups of students congregate to watch their favorite shows, including 'The OC,' Gilmore Girls,' Smallville,' '24,' 'Lost,' 'American Idol' (pardon my French) and the list goes on and on. Despite their hectic schedules and rampant dating lives, it's nice to know students can still take a few hours to congregate and bow down before the plasma idol, chanting 'Bestow thy flickering light forever.'
Maybe I'm being too general - TV isn't all that bad, there's still some worth to it. A few months ago, a surfer said he escaped a great white shark by punching its nose. He claimed that he learned the maneuver while watching the Discovery Channel's 'Shark Week.' TV is like gold panning: you need to go through a lot of mud to find a handful of precious, useful nuggets.
Now I concede TV owns people in varying degrees, so I submit a list of highly scientific questions to help you determine how 'owned' you really are.
1.) Is your 'Day planner' really just a leather-bound copy of TV Guide?
2.) Do you turn on the captions when you want to read for enjoyment?
3.) Is your relationship with (Kiefer Sutherland/Jennifer Aniston) as strong as your relationship with your (boyfriend/girlfriend)?
4.) Have you ever cried yourself to sleep at night when one of the characters on your favorite show dies or moves away?
5.) Can you successfully carry on a half hour conversation using only quotes from various TV shows and movies?
6.) Have you had a remote surgically attached to your hand? (If you answered 'yes' to this question...um...can I see it?)
7.) Have you ever passed up a chance to go play a sport so you could stay home and watch that sport?
8.) Have you ever tried to use the TV remote to mute your roommates?
9.) Have you ever rescheduled a date so you could stay home and watch your favorite characters go on a date?
10.) Have you ever written a viewpoint titled, 'Are you owned?'
Congratulations if you only answered 'yes' to one of the above; TV only owns you on paper, not in practice. If you answered in the affirmative to at least five, don't worry, you're probably an excellent candidate for a fan club somewhere out there. I'd tell you what it means if you said 'yes' to all 10 questions, but 'The Simpsons' just started.