By Sara Payne
The smells of lemon pepper chicken and rosemary roasted potatoes lingered in the room as tensions heightened. Two dozen roses lay on the table as two candles flickered on the table. After a delicious dinner and romantic evening, Kevin offered to give his girlfriend a foot massage. She obliged. What Rachel didn?t know was he was about to give her more than just foot relief.
?He said, ?Rachel, I?m so excited to spend the rest of my life and eternity with you? and then he slipped the ring on my toe,? she said.
She opened her eyes and watched as Kevin took the ring off, knelt down and officially asked her to be his wife.
Rachel Dull had been dating Kevin Higginson for 29 days, but said she knew she would marry him since their first date. At 24 years old, Rachel said she had dated over 200 men and most had been blind dates.
?I just knew this was the guy I was going to marry. He felt same way,? she said.
BYU provides an interesting case study for dating and marriage because of its affiliation with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the church?s emphasis on families. Students across campus hear rumors of the one-week engagement. But is this necessarily the best method?
For Rachel, who got engaged Feb. 4, marriage is in three and a half months.
?We would?ve gotten married earlier, but he travels for his job,? she said. ?Sometimes we joke about getting married in March.?
Rachel said she advises others who are planning marriage to wait as little time as possible.
?Why wait if you know it?s right?? she asked. ?There?s no real reason to.?
Jeff Larson, professor of marriage and family therapy at BYU, said engagement length is not a set length for everyone, although he recommends couples date at least six months to a year.
?There?s no scientific evidence that a certain length of engagement improves the chances of being happily married,? he said. ?But we do know from research that the better acquainted you are before married, the more happily married you?ll be.?
Larsen, who wrote a book that helps couples determine whether or not they should marry or continue dating, titled ?Should We Stay Together?,? also said the time of engagement should not be a matter of simply making wedding plans, but should be a time to continue to get to know the future spouse.
Spending large amounts of time together talking, reading marriage and intimacy books and taking marriage prep classes improve the couple?s relationship, he said.
Larsen further suggested neither marriage nor engagement should be spearheaded by a desire to be intimate.
?Getting married and engagement must be a cognitive experience,? he said. ?You?ve got to be thinking with your head, using good self control over those other passions. It?s the most important decision and thing you?ll do ? Slow the heck down.?
Sam Castor, a senior public relations major from Provo, recommends every engaged couple, whether they plan to have a long or short engagement, designate ?chastity police? to monitor the engaged couple. When he initially proposed to his wife Annalise, he decided to wait eight months before the big day. It seemed more feasible in the beginning, he said, to wait until the end of a semester. But then the situation got more complicated.
?It was either moral suicide or academic suicide,? Castor said. ?We decided on academic suicide because it was eternally more worth it.?
Info Box:
Making the most of your engagement
1- Talk about engagement expectations
Mark Butler, professor of marriage and family therapy at BYU, says although the marriage ceremony has not yet occurred, couples emotionally and psychologically feel married and tend to act like they?re married. This allows a greater risk for couples to get more intimate than they want. Larson suggests discussing the engagement period goals (chastity, temple marriage, etc) will help a couple keep their focus and not slip into sin.
2- Get to know your spouse better
Many couples see the engagements as time spent preparing for the marriage ceremony. Don?t neglect preparing for the marriage itself, Larson advises. Spend a lot of time getting to know your partner better. Larson says dating or engaged couples need to understand their partner?s needs, goals, personality and quirks.
3- Discuss Intimacy
Many couples that don?t discuss intimacy before marriage struggle with the concept after they?re married, Larson says. He suggests couples read intimacy books written by LDS authors together before the marriage.
4- Rely on the Experts
Take a marriage prep class on campus. Larsen said any one of the marriage and family classes on campus can help a couple with pre-marital counseling.