With the fall sports season underway, Cougar fans are preparing for war each weekend -- but every species of fan has its own way of behaving.
True fanatics can be spotted buying season tickets and All-Sport passes, replica jerseys and memorabilia, new portable grills and bratwursts by the case.
If you catch your neighbor hack-sawing into the cable box so he can catch all the home games for free, you've found yourself a pseudo-fan.
Social fans can be overheard at hair salons everywhere, talking about their new pink and blue BYU sweaters they bought so they could stay warm while chatting with their dates during the arctic November games.
But we aren't worried about the latter two. It's the true fanatics we want.
'How do I tell a true fanatic from a pseudo-fan,' you might ask? Although they aren't written (until now, that is), true fanatics follow a set of rules, a code. And to a true fanatic, this code is as unbreakable as Karl G. Maeser's honor.
The rules start with picking your team. The Bible says that you must be hot or cold. It is the same in sports -- lukewarm fans will be spewed out.
I had a friend who claimed to be a diehard University of North Carolina fan, but also cheered for Duke as long as the two weren't playing. I thought I was going to be sick.
You worship your team. The rest are sectioned into one of two categories: those you hate and those you really hate. Those are the rules.
There is nothing worse than a front-runner fan. It's the unpardonable sin of fandom. If you were a Bulls fan during the MJ era, you sure better be one now. You won enough games to suffer through a decade or two of what Clippers fans have been feeling since the teams' inaugural season.
Moving on...
My neighbor claims to be a diehard Cougar football fan. We were friends as soon as I heard her talk about all 22 starters for the 1984 national championship team by name. Then it happened. I couldn't believe my eyes; I thought I had gone color blind. She wore red to the BYU/Utah game. I figured it was a joke shirt with a funny slogan on the back mocking the Utes. No such luck.
She said she just likes wearing red, that she didn't think about it.
Excuse me? You just like wearing red? You've got to be kidding me. A red anything is illegal for at least a week before or after a game with Utah.
It would have possibly been appropriate if she had said she was wearing it in protest on behalf of BYU's horrible season, but that was not the case. Trying to set a fire under a certain player or coach is one thing; not paying attention is another.
Another way to tell a true fanatic is by his behavior, both in a win and a loss. He loses graciously, but deep down the sting never ends. And in a win, he talks trash during the game, but keeps quiet once the nail is in the coffin. A victory at the buzzer allows for a little more smack, but never excessive.
Overall, the main identifier of a true fanatic is that he believes that God did not create the team for the fan, but the fan for the team.
A true fanatic puts the team first. And don't mistake me, not everyone needs to be a true fanatic. These few rules are for those of us who subscribe to the all-or-nothing way of lifestyle.
I have my All-Sport pass, Mike Hall jersey and tailgating supplies handy. And has anyone seen a bonfire anywhere? I have a few red shirts to get rid of.