By Michael Hollingshead
This was a bad idea before it was ever formed.
Yours truly, the insensitive sports guy, am supposed to write a column on love from the perspective guys have on Valentine''s Day -- and make it worth reading. Hardly feasible.
First of all, let me establish a very important fact: I''m your basic stereotypical guy when it comes to love and being cutesy (that means I don''t have a clue, and worse yet, I probably never will). This means I conjure up the same amount of anticipation for Valentine''s Day that I do for BYUSA elections.
We know it''s just another excuse for spending money on the girl we try to love. (When I say 'we' I''m referring to the men in my condition, which accounts for approximately 94.9 percent of all men.) And good grief, there is no shortage of junk to buy on this special day. There are chocolates, flowers, cookies, cakes, cards, music, poems, blah blah blah. It''s all the same.
Therein lies the real problem.
Today''s women want more than the average, clich?d type of Valentine''s celebration. Flowers and chocolates just don''t cut it in the now. Oh yeah, you can drop fifty bucks on some beautiful daffodils -- or whatever the girls think are pretty these days -- then add some chocolates or take ''em out to dinner, but you''ll barely get a courtesy smile from so and so. And then what do the ladies reward you with for all your time and efforts and spent pennies?
The bottom line is that the guy realizes that if he really wants this relationship to work he''s going to have to spend a whole lot of money on his beloved come the fourteenth. This isn''t necessarily a bad thing, but it''s a true thing, and there''s no way of getting around it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ladies, I don''t want to hear your crying. I''m not believing a single one of you that says you''d be perfectly happy if old Tommy just made you a homemade card and cooked you up some Ramen Noodles from the bottom of his heart. You all want something nice, and nice means money.
And there is the final line. Money is what drives the entire day we call love. The genius person who founded Valentine''s Day was probably the owner of the local 'Flowers and Chocolates Shop' and they were simply looking for some quick profits in the name of love.
Now, is it a sin to show your love to someone by burning through some bills? Absolutely not. In fact, it''s a necessity. However, there are ways to avoid a potentially hazardous dip in the pocket.
The solution is simple: just celebrate Valentine''s Day one week before or one week after the actual holiday. I guarantee you can spend half as much money on a dozen long stem roses if you buy them February 6th or even February 22. I suggest that you shoot for the earlier date, that way you can tell what''s her face that you just couldn''t wait to spread your love.
Then, when Valentine''s Day does come along, she won''t feel like she needs anything big. Just take her down to Carl''s Jr, buy her a big piece of their signature cheesecake, then go back to her place and watch 'Back to the Future' or some other classic love story. She''ll be in heaven, and you''ll be okay financially.
As for me, the Valentine''s rush has come and gone, and I''ve got Spy Kids all queued-up in the VCR for our post-Wendy''s celebration. But don''t tell her that.