By Natalie Williams
Gary Chapman, a pastor in North Carolina, spent 20 years of his life counseling couples in relationships. After awhile, Chapman noticed that not all partners identify expressions of love in the same way.
'I discovered early on what made one person feel loved didn''t necessarily make the other feel loved,' said Gary Chapman, award-winning author of 'The Five Love Languages.' 'It seemed couples were having a hard time connecting emotionally.'
Chapman has counseled couples for more than 30 years. Noticing patterns in what couples were complaining about, Chapman went through 20 years of his counseling notes to better understand why his patients thought their spouses didn''t love them and what it is they wanted their spouses to do to show their love and appreciation.
Chapman found a consistent pattern of complaints -- and the five love languages were born.
A love language is the primary way someone expresses love and wants to be shown love, Chapman said.
According to Chapman''s book, there are five universal love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
'Words are powerful,' Chapman said. 'Words of affirmation is using words to affirm the other person. It''s saying simple things like, ''You look nice in that dress,'' or ''I really appreciate you doing that for me.'' Couples should learn that different emotional words create a different emotional climate.
'Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love,' he said.
The second love language, quality time, is giving the person undivided attention, Chapman said.
Quality time isn''t just being in the same house or the same room watching television, he said. 'You can give quality time in short doses. Even with the pressure of not being together that much, it can be done.'
Quality time doesn''t have to be just talking, Chapman said. The couple can be doing anything-planting a garden or cooking a meal-but the focus has to be on each other, not what the couple is doing or what they''re talking about, but on each other, he said.
Gifts, as the third language of love, should be given frequently, Chapman said.
'We always say, ''It''s the thought that counts,'' but it''s not the thought that stays in your head that counts,' Chapman said with a laugh. 'A gift is any kind of physically tangible token that says ''he or she was thinking about me.'' You have to think about someone to give them a gift. You have to be thinking about someone to pick a flower from the garden.'
If actions do indeed speak louder than words, then the fourth love language, acts of service, makes sense.
'Acts of service is doing something for the other person you know they would like you to do,' Chapman said. 'It can be cooking a meal, washing dishes, mowing the grass, putting gas in their car, or any number of household things. Basically, it''s doing anything for the other person that you know they would really like.'
For the fifth love language, Chapman said he feels it is important to give affirming physical touches.
'When you''re riding down the road, reach over and put your hand on their leg,' Chapman said. 'Run your hand threw their hair or put your arm around his or her back.'
Primarily written for the western world, Chapman''s book has sold more than 2 million copies and been translated into 32 languages. The book has been a best seller in every market.
This means the love languages must be fairly universal across cultures, Chapman said.
A lot of couples around the world have learned to connect emotionally as a result of the book, he said.
'I''ve never sensed that one is more important than the other,' Chapman said. 'We can receive love in all five of the languages, but everyone has a primary language.'
If people want to effectively communicate love to their significant others, it''s important to communicate in their spouse''s primary love language, Chapman said.
To find out the primary love language of a spouse or loved one, take a look at what they''re complaining about, Chapman said. 'That''s a pretty strong clue.'
'If the spouse or partner is saying, ''We never have time together, we''re passing like ships in the dark,'' their primary love language is probably quality time,' Chapman said.
Likewise, if a spouse says, 'I don''t ever do anything right,' they''re seeking words of affirmation; that''s the love language they communicate in, he said. 'You went on that business trip and didn''t bring me anything,' is someone who''s primary love language is probably gifts, Chapman pointed out.
Chapman gives another good way to discover someone''s love language.
'You can observe how they express love to others, he said. 'The language people speak is how they want to be loved.'
Do they freely compliment others? Does he constantly give gifts? Does she hug friends every time she sees them?
Behavior and the way he or she express love is a big indication of which language a partner is speaking in and seeking, Chapman said.
Despite the five love languages, the single most important quality and characteristic any couple can have in any kind of relationship is love, Chapman said. 'By that, I mean they choose to look out for the other''s interests,' he said. They''re committed to the other person''s interests. That''s fundamental to everything else.'