I think there's a fitting joke to lightheartedly sum up my disdain for the ways of our exiled neighbors living in Happy Valley on the campus of BYU.
A genie came to both a student from the pious Y and the scoundrel-infested U, granting each one wish.
The BYU student thought for a second (which was no easy task, considering the Y student had never made any of his own decisions).
After days upon days of thinking, the student said, 'Well, golly gee, I wish the entire Happy Valley was surrounded by an impenetrable brick wall, as high as the sky, so that we in Happy Valley may live in all our peace and serenity without any bothers from our satanic neighbors from the north.'
The genie came next to the U student, and asked for his one wish. 'Fill it with water,' the U student quickly responded.
Though a little brash and over the top, this sums up my annoyance for anything having to do with BYU since coming to the U four years ago.
I cannot conceive of how BYU students can actually look themselves in the mirror every day and feel good about going to their version of 'an institution of higher learning.'
Isn't higher education an oxymoron when restrictions are placed on what is taught? Isn't the purpose of college to expand the mind, not dull it with administrators' interpretations?
And there are not only restrictions on what is taught, but also how a very human being can act. Is this neanderthal? Are we living in the Neolithic Era? Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned free will?
Maybe it's just the caffeine speaking (even sometimes to the extreme of Red Bull), or dare I say the Miller Genuine Draft, but I'm into the whole free speech thing.
Assimilation and submission versus acceptance? Is that what the Lord wants? Is it a sin for a male to step into a female's bedroom? If so, I should be cast down with a Zeus-like thunderbolt a million times over.
When we're not busy having sexual free-for-all orgies or marching for homosexual rights (because, believe it or not, they are people too), beliefs all BYU morons believe of Utah students, we are actually getting a quality education, no strings attached.
Oh yeah, since this is about football, I've got a collection of cracks for the Y's performance (or lack thereof).
Sure, go ahead and say the Utes are 4-6, how they won't be able to go to a bowl and how they will lose their coach.
He is a casualty of his own success, and he will be punished for taking the program to new heights and then failing to live up to his own standards, though the rift between Ronnie Mac and the administration was on edge after the Sione Havili fiasco.
But I would rather have the Utes' 4-6 than the Cougars' 5-6.
How was this BYU team ever ranked? The Cougars beat Syracuse and Hawaii, and are suddenly ranked No. 24 in the nation. Basically, they were ranked from their near-perfect performance from a year ago.
As expected, BYU's ranking fell. Gary Crowton's belittlement of the Nevada program turned the once promising season around. Crowton flew the team to Reno the day of the game, and BYU played like it, losing 31-28.
Yeah, the Utes may have lost a couple to Boise State a few years back, but couldn't the junior varsity team at a 1A high school beat the Nevada Wolfpack? I thought they only played eight-man football in Nevada.
BYU lost again at Georgia Tech, and it took all the collective prayers in Provo to will the Cougs to a win over Utah State. But the next couple of games signalled the team the Cougars really were, as Crowton's genius move of playing musical quarterbacks imploded any team chemistry. Yeah, playing with a quarterback's mind is almost as effective as playing with a kicker's.
BYU lost 52-9 to Air Force (almost worse than Northwestern), 24-3 to UNLV (whom the Utes waxed) and 37-10 to Colorado State (whom the Utes actually showed up to play).
At least if we're going to lose, we're going to do it fighting, not as a complete embarrassment to the program and all it stands for. The Utes have been in every game?even the San Diego State game before a desperate attempt by a freshman quarterback resulted in an interception for a touchdown.
After that, BYU handled San Diego State, nipped Wyoming and barely lost to New Mexico.
Which team will show up? I'll put it to you this way?after Saturday's beating, the Cougars will want to build a wall around Provo, because they won't ever want to show their faces again.
Rory welcomes feedback at: rbrunner@chronicle.utah.edu