By Joe Dana
BYU senior 'Melody' is suffering the hard consequences of pornography addiction, even though she has never looked at it.
The level-headed, studious senior recently married her best friend who she dated for a year and a half.
'He knew everything about me and I thought I knew everything about him,' Melody said.
But soon after their marriage, her new husband, 'Mark', confessed to her he was addicted to pornography. He swore himself off it two months before their marriage, but returned to the addiction shortly after they made their vows.
BYU marriage and family counselor David Clayton has seen young married couples like Melody and her husband overcome pornography addiction. He has also seen those that have not.
'Sometimes people become abusive and it destroys their marriage,' he said.
Married couples seek treatment from BYU psychologists about pornography addiction on a consistent basis, Clayton said.
Talking about it
Melody wonders if asking Mark specific questions about pornography while they were dating would have helped. Other couples dating at BYU may need to decide whether to talk about the issue as well.
'If you''re getting married, be completely honest,' Melody said. 'And ask him, ''have you looked at pornography on the Internet?'' and give a specific time frame.'
Melody thought she checked off every box of the dating to-do''s when she became engaged.
The two built a foundation of friendship. They attended church activities together. They met each other''s families. After a courting Melody calls 'something straight out of a book,' they decided to spend their lives together.
'There are times when I look back and I can''t believe that I didn''t know about this addiction. But I didn''t,' she said.
Mark said he wanted to tell Melody many times about the addiction while they were dating.
'I was just afraid. My biggest feeling was if I brought it up I would be shunned or hated,' he said.
Mark was convinced marriage would cure his habit.
'I thought, as soon as I was married that I would be satisfied,' Mark said.
Despite repeated promises to quit, he still logged on to pornographic Web sites at night, often after dropping Melody off from their dates.
'It was extremely easy to think that it''s only affecting me,' Mark said.
The couple now faces many unusual dilemmas for newlyweds.
'This will be a lifelong trial for me,' Mark said.
And for Melody.
Their lifestyle is very different now. They started by getting rid of the computer.
'In the future, there won''t be a door anywhere where there is computer,' Melody said.
Melody battles with thoughts that her marriage is based 'partly on a lie.' But she said she knows her husband is the same person.
'I reserve the right to leave at any time I choose but for now I have decided to stay,' Melody said. 'I''m not going to say it''s OK, that I''m going to stay here no matter what.'
Through group therapy, Mark has learned pornography has the potential to lead to prostitution, drugs and abuse. He also has a message for those at BYU who do not think pornography is their problem.
'It doesn''t matter if you don''t touch it. You''re still being affected by it. Those you communicate with, those you date, and others around you could have the problem,' Mark said.
Hurting the marriage before it begins
On a national level, statistics show that Mark and Melody''s burden could become more common in the future if pornography use is not stopped before marriage.
For Mark, it started with a magazine in high school and then the Internet.
'The Internet made it so easy,' Mark said.
Americans are having brushes with the bandwidth at an earlier age.
A 1998 study reveals that college students on average had first access to the Internet when they were 14 years old. High school students said they first logged on at eight years old.
Pornography causes its viewers, especially young men, to have a distorted perspective of dating, said Lynn Scoresby, professor of marriage, family and human development.
'On a date, they are not looking at the eyes but rather looking at other anatomical features...They''re entire mindset gradually changes,' he said.
Pornography can hinder males from having healthy relationships with the opposite sex.
'We have a whole bunch of these people (computer pornography viewers) that are emotionally isolated from one another,' Scoresby said. 'They are interacting with lifeless images. What happens if you are less emotionally mature is a clear sexual diversion from any real relationship.'