Sam Neff
Because of all the hoopla over Julie, the BYU student on MTV's 'Real World,' MTV returned to Provo (warning: this is a lie. Do not believe it.) to cast for the next season of 'Real World,' the show everybody hates but watches anyway.
Here's a sneak peak at next season - 'Real World Provo.'
The cast:
Donna -- 20, the na?ve Mormon, self-proclaimed president of the VL (Virgin Lip) club.
Brandon -- 22, The nerd, return missionary, electrical engineering major who has his own Star Wars fan site, Brenda's brother.
Steve -- 19, The jock, used to work at Gold's Gym.
Pauly Shore -- 30-ish, The gentile, early '90s pop culture icon, used to be an MTV regular, all-purpose firecracker.
Brenda -- 20, The 'Molly Mormon,' most religious of the bunch, Relief Society president, Brandon's sister.
Kelly -- 21, The babe, never expected to be 21 and single, debating mission but would rather be get married.
Dylan -- 26, The menace to society, returned missionary, single, still attending BYU, working toward a degree in sociology, plans to attend law school at BYU.
To comply with BYU Off-Campus Housing standards, a chain-link fence with razor wire was constructed to separate the women's living quarters from the men's living quarters.
Week 1 -- The cast meets. During two minutes of conversation, Kelly and Brenda become best friends. Donna is convinced everybody in the house hates her, so she doesn't talk to anyone.
Pauly Shore is seen talking on the phone with his Baptist mother, who is worried about her son living with 'those Mormons.' She asks her son if there is even electricity in the house, and tells Pauly that while she would like a daughter-in-law, she only wants one.
Pauly responds by saying, 'This is my (expletive deleted) life. I'll do whatever I want, 'cause I'm the weasel.'
Brandon is constantly blasting the Star Wars score on his stereo.
Week 2 -- Brenda insists the roommates have apartment prayer every night at 9 p.m. Nobody really wants to, but they all do it to humor her.
Pauly is seen eating his roommates' food. Steve confronts him and asks him to stop. He uses the commitment pattern, but to no avail ''cause the weasel needs some grindage.'
Donna breaks her silence and discovers nobody hates her after all. Despite being VL, Donna is obsessed with kissing. She is constantly asking members of the cast how many times they've been kissed. This is a sore topic for Dylan who has only kissed two girls in 26 years.
In a telephone conversation, Dylan's mom asks if he likes any of the girls in the house. If not, she saw a cute girl about Dylan's age at Education Week. She has her phone number.
Week 4 -- Donna leads the cast in a game of Big Booty (the dumbest game in the world). It becomes apparent Donna has no intention of ever ending the game. Steve finally feigns an ankle injury and dismisses himself from the game. Everyone else decides to quit 'before someone else gets hurt.' They later thank Steve.
Week 7 -- Kelley watches her favorite movie, 'Pretty Woman,' which is rated R. In a confessional, Brenda says she has a real problem with Kelley watching R-rated movies. She also doesn't think Pauly's movie 'Son in Law' is entirely appropriate and 'especially the part where Pauly is walking around showing his bare bottom.'
Nobody wants to play Big Booty anymore, so Donna begins inviting eager EFY groups to the house to play.
Week 10 -- Pauly is sent to the hospital after suffering a broken nose during a light saber fight with Brandon.
Brandon, in a confessional, says he 'sure hopes he can fix the light saber Pauly broke, because it cost 20 bucks.'
The cast has a meeting and asks Donna to never play Big Booty again or she will be asked to leave the house.
Steve tries to get his roommates to sign up at Gold's Gym with him so he can get a discount. Nobody wants to, so he bugs the camera crew.
The cast is growing tired of Pauly Shore movies.
Week 12 -- The cast plans a dance to relieve tension. They hire a DJ with an extensive collection of disco hits and early 90s techno. The door is run, so whenever anyone enters the dance, they will hear one of three artists -- Michael Jackson, Ace of Base or Will Smith. There is a disco ball and a few colored lights, otherwise the room is dark, making every woman in the room appear attractive. It is a typical Provo dance.
During the dance Donna flirts with Pauly. It seems there is an attraction between the two. After the dance, Donna kisses for the first time with Pauly. The two begin dating.
Week 13 -- Pauly and Donna break up. In her confessional Donna cites religious differences as the cause of the breakup. She wishes she would have waited longer before kissing him.
In Pauly's confessional he just says, ''cause I'm the weasel, buddy, aaooo, aaooo.'
Week 15 -- Brandon thinks Pauly may be non-LDS because he's never seen him at church, and then knows for sure when Pauly doesn't know President Gordon B. Hinckley's middle name. Brandon gives Pauly a copy of the Book of Mormon. Pauly now has six.
Brenda and Dylan, the only two still attending apartment prayer, announce their engagement. They have been going out for two weeks.
Week 17 -- Real World has its first-ever wedding when Brenda and Dylan are married.
Steve receives a mission call.
Kelley decides to go on a mission, as well. In week 19, however, she reunites with an old boyfriend, and cancels mission plans.
Pauly digs in the backyard looking for new roommates 'like that Brendan Fraser iceman dude in 'Encino Man.''
After the show, the cast goes on with life as normal. Half the cast never watches the show because they live in apartment complexes that block out MTV.
Pauly regains celebrity status and stars in a lame comedy in which he plays a high school science teacher that has the administration on his back, but helps students love science through his unorthodox teaching methods. Freddie Prinze, Jr. co-stars, and Korn and Britney Spears contribute to the soundtrack.
Sam Neff is a senior from Ruby Valley, Nev., majoring in print journalism.