By PETER THUNELL
thunell@du2.byu.edu
Ladies, does your man talk endlessly about the parallels between Mormonism and Battlestar Galactica? Is he always telling you he remembers George Clooney as the handyman in 'The Facts of Life'? Does he refer to Pearl Jam as 'that new, cutting-edge band?'
If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions you have to consider the fact that your RM might be too old for you. So grab a pen and take this official test to determine if he's too old for you to be sold. Do it now before you're married and all he wants to do on Saturday nights is stay home and watch VH1.
1. When he hears the name Michael Jackson, he thinks of:
A. a cute little boy with an afro the size of Dr. J's and a normal, humannose.
B. a leather-clad 'bad' boy with the nose of a fifth grader.
C. a freakish white guy that dresses like a nutcracker and has a nose thatlooks like a broken toothpick with holes.
2. When he goes out to play ball, his shorts are:
A. so short your roommates offer him five bucks not sit down or bend over to pick anything up.
B. mid-thigh with four inches of turquoise spandex jutting out at the bottom.
C. so baggy he could shoplift small appliances in them.
3. He knows all the words to which rap song?
A. He still refuses to accept rap as a form of music.
B. 'Bust a Move, Paul Revere,' or 'It takes Two' (also accepted:'Parents Just Don't Understand').
C. 'Been Around the World,' by Puff Daddy (and he still refuses to recognize the fact that it's a sample from the '80s hit 'Let's Dance').
4. He can name all of the main characters on:
A. 'ChiPs' (and he can tell you definitively whether or not the sarge is a Mormon).
B. 'Family Ties' (bonus points for knowing Skippy's or Nick's full names).
C. the current season of 'The Real World.'
D. 'Melrose Place' (Trick answer! If you circled this one, drop your man now. He obviously has the brain development of a sleep-deprived grapefruit).
5. He contends that the greatest genius to come out of 'Saturday Night Live' is:
A. Chevy Chase (Although 'Fletch' is a work of art, his career is slumping a bit lately).
B. Chris Farley (If you watch the 'Chippendale' skit and 'Tommy Boy,' it puts all questions to rest).
C. Norm Macdonald (Did you see his last movie? Don't worry, no one elsedid).
6. When you drive by the Black Hole of Businesses (i.e. Brigham's Landing) he thinks of:
A. Caddi's (with the car busting through the front window).
B. Viva Spaghetti (translation: long live spaghetti. Interesting fact -- viva gorditas translation: long live large women).
C. Wild Burro, Ozone, Player's Club and whatever else will be there next week.
7. When Scooby Doo is mentioned he thinks of:
A. Fred, Daphne, Thelma, Shag and Scoob cruising in the Mystery Machine.
B. the uncle of Scrappy Doo (Death to Scrappy! Sorry, I had to say it).
C. the poster boy for today's drug culture because hey, we always knew there was something up with those Scooby Snacks.
8. He sat up all night memorizing the words to:
A. 'End of the World' by REM.
B. 'We Didn't Start the Fire' by Billy Joel.
C. 'One Week' by Bare Naked Ladies.
9. When he left on his mission you were:
A. making the transition from Beehive to Mia Maid.
B. getting your drivers license.
C. actually dating each other (but for some reason he's back, you're not married yet and you're taking this test).
OK, here's how you score it: Every A is worth three points, B's are worth two points, and C's, one point.
If he scored eight to 11 points, no problems. Go with it.
Twelve to 18 points, give him the final test: Take him to the Omni and see if he, at some point in the evening, does the Running Man -- even in jest. If he does, he's gone.
Nineteen to 24 points means you are culturally incompatible. You say, 'Nintendo,' he says, 'Atari.' Remember: marriage is hard enough without having huge things like this to overcome.