By PETER THUNELL
thunell@du2.byu.edu
Second only to memorizing the words to Saturday's Warrior, the favorite Mormon pasttime is the round-the-clock Steve Young marriage watch. How many times have we all heard from our friends that they saw Steve at Hogi Yogi with his new woman and how young she is.
To Steve let me offer this marriage advice; don't do it. Now if my bishop reads this I'm for sure going to get called in for an interview (Bishop, don't worry -- I whole-heartedly concur with D&C 131), but let me explain. You see I'm not saying don't ever get married, I'm just saying wait a little while longer. The role that Steve plays right now in the Mormon society is immeasurable. For every single woman age 22 and up there is a mother that is constantly saying, 'You know why he's not married? He hasn't met the right one yet. He hasn't met you.' I have two single sisters, and I know of which I speak.
For guys it seems to be different. It's pretty normal to see a 27-year-old guy marrying an 18 year old girl. For females it seems that they are expected to marry someone their age or older, and who better for mom to set her sights on than athletic, active in church Steve Young.
If Steve gets married, who is there left for mom to dream for her daughter, an Osmond? Last I heard they're all up in Branson, Mo., and no one wants to have to go to that town every year to visit. Trust me, I've seen pictures.
I don't want anyone out there thinking that I have it in for marriage. Just because lately my friends have been dropping off like dinner guests at a Manson family party, doesn't mean that I'm bitter.
I just see that now that my dad is a bishop of a student ward in Logan and also two guys that I trained in the mission are already married, the heat is on. Most people that I run into these days look at my left-hand ring finger to see if it's occupied and then proceed in telling me all of the attributes of their new roommate's sister.
I don't pretend to be alone in this. I write this to let everyone else know that they're not alone.
As near as I can figure it there are two kinds of married friends. There are the married friends that are like death and the married friends that are looking to suck you in too.
When I say that there are some that are like death I mean it like this; with them it seems that marriage is a lot like death in that with death you don't see someone who's dead (married) until after you 're dead (married) too. So it is with these friends. They disappear and every now and then there are sightings of this person like Elvis or Bigfoot. Someone will say, 'I think that I saw Alex and his wife returning a waffle iron at Wal-Mart. I'm not sure that it was them but they seemed pretty happy.'
I assume that once I get hitched these friends will reappear to welcome me into the fold, wanting to do bar-b-ques. Then your friends set the bar a notch higher and go and have kids and unless you have kids too you won't be seeing them anytime soon.
The other kind of married friend will surface every now and then and try to set you up with a friend of their spouse. These are usually the friends that, although they dearly love their spouse, they just can't take another game of one on one Monopoly.
I won't go too far into this subject because there is a Seinfeld episode that brilliantly deals with this topic (if you want to see it I'll talk to my friend who has every episode on tape).
After the date is over it doesn't really matter whether you like this person or not, you'll be hearing about this person from your friend until you're finally married or move to a Tibetan monestary . Your friend will always slip something into conversation like, 'Oh, I saw Suzy last night and she said that you haven't called. You really should call her. We could all go out.'
So to bring this all back to Steve, I say finish off your last few years of playing and then look to settle down out of the public eye. Of course by that time when your kids turn 20 you'll be in you 60's , but my guess is that you'll still be able to throw a mean spiral from your rocking chair.
By the way did I mention that I have sisters, Steve? I could be the brother-in-law that you always dreamed of having. I could move to San Francisco, live in your house, we could go to all of the games together and I could drive your car. You could even give me a monthly allowance.
What's a little cash between brothers, right Steve? Steve? Hey Steve come back! I'm not finished yet! You and me we could buy a boat and go fishing in the Bay! Come back and give your brother a hug! Come on Steve brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug!