By DERIC C. NANCE
deric@du2.byu.edu
Last week I called a female classmate to ask some questions about a class that I missed. The following conversation took place.
Deric: Hello. Is Tiffany there?
Girl: Um . . . (pause) hold on . . . (longer pause) . . . um, no, Tiffany isn't here. Can I take a message?
Deric: Yeah, can you just tell her that Deric called?
Girl: Um . . . (another pause) . . . hold on.
Tiffany: Hey, Deric! Sorry. This guy this guy keeps on calling because he wants to go out with me again and I just don't want to. Anyway, what's up?
Do you find this odd?
I know what your saying: 'Big deal! Give me some news, Mr. Reporter. This happens daily.'
I agree. I understand that psychos and wackos walk the streets of Provo (and the halls of BYU). Normally, I wouldn't think twice about this occurance. But five minutes earlier I was told by a roommate of this girl I had dated a couple of times, that 'Kimberly is not home.'
So, I paused after my second phone call and wondered. I am still wondering. In fact, I don't think I will ever stop wondering.
I wish women came with instruction manuals, because I just don't understand. BYU women refuse to drink caffine, watch rated 'R' movies, or do homework on Sunday. But they don't think twice about lying to men they are not interested in.
'Oh, we don't lie, Deric, we just twist the truth to protect the feelings of guys we don't want to date.'
Twist the truth? What does that mean?
Roommate: 'Hey, Kimberly, it's Deric! Go out on the porch real fast! . . . Um, Deric?, Kimberly isn't home right now.'
Recently, I sat in with a bunch of girls who were coming up with a list of names each can use as their 'fake' boyfriend. They needed a loaded weapon to fend off 'unapealling men' with a quick draw 'My boyfriend . . .' line.
My sister came home after a date shreiking 'Ew, ew, ew! He held me hand.' I asked her why she didn't tell her date she didn't want to hold his hand. She informed me she didn't want him to feel bad. Instead she gave him the infamous 'dead fish.' Apparently, her date was oblivious as to what a dead fish actually meant.
My point? Women make it a continual habit to string men along for months and months hoping sooner or later we will just get the clue.
Well, ladies, men just don't have the dating decoder rings you want us to have. We are stupid and need to know. We think we know (especially when it comes to decoding our friends' relationships: 'Dude, she gave you 'the pat' during your hug. What are you waiting for, a neon sign? It's over!'), but we don't know. Thank you for being nice, but $500 later, our hearts bleed.
Through a vast amount of experience, I can help the younger audience interpret certain phrases that come from the mouths of babes. My gift is limited, but my knowledge is certain:
Girl: 'I can't go out on Friday, it's girls' night out!'
Interpretation: 'We girls have become very bored with the current guys we are dating (including you) so we are going out to look for some more.'
Girl: 'I'm sorry, I was just going to stay in tonight. Maybe do some homework.
Interpretation: 'Homework is the last thing on my mind. I'm inviting a hot guy to my house tonight to watch a video.'
Girl: 'Um, I'm going to go to a party tonight with some friends.'
Interpretation: 'I'm going to a party tonight. You are not my friend.'
Girl: 'Golly, I'd love to, but I have to tend some children tonight.'
Interpretation: 'You and I will never have children together.'
Girl: Um, I have to go run errands . . . in the van . . . for my grandmother. She's sick.
Interpretation: I don't like you.
Most women insist on continually using their list of excuses to avoid hurting feelings. Last year, I went on one date with an incredibly beautiful young lady. After the date I asked her if she would like to go out again. She told me she had a fun time, but she would not be that interested in going on another date.
After I pulled out the knife that was inserted into my right pulmonary artery, I was relieved. Relieved that I didn't have to wonder that night, 'She said yes, but she squinted her eyes twice and stood on one foot. What does that mean?'
Most of the time we can see beyond the babbling words and feel the woman is not interested. Nontheless, when the words don't match up it causes confusion and brain clots. Honesty can be golden in these times of mismatch.
Don't get me wrong, though, ladies. There is a possibility of too much honesty. We don't want to know we kiss like your brother. This is information I can live without. Use discresion on the amount of honesty you give us.
I believe Billy Joel summed it up best: 'She will ruin your faith with her casual lies. She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be. Blame it all on yourself, cause she's always a woman to me.'