By ERIC D. SNIDER
eric@du2.byu.edu
This is the last edition of 'Snide Remarks.' Festivities will commence in the BYU administrative offices within the hour.
Believe it or not, some people have not found the column very funny. I don't deny them this right; in fact, many of the things these people write do not amuse me, either. But some of these people don't just find the column unfunny; they find it downright offensive, so offensive that they make sure to read it every week so they can continue being offended. (You think I'm kidding about that, but I'm not.)
And often, these people write letters. Of the 67 columns I've written for The Daily Universe, approximately one-third have inspired angry letters, many of which appear to have been written by monkeys whacking randomly on computer keyboards. Here is some of the most pleasant and delightful hate-mail I've received recently.
Back in September, I told incoming freshmen that they could ignore the signs that say 'Construction area; Do not enter; $300 fine.' I also mentioned that all the construction workers smoke, and that the freshmen shouldn't be alarmed by this.
Somehow, a construction worker managed to read this column, or have it read to him, and I received an e-mail with the subject line 'Don't you have anything better to write about? You Weenie!' The e-mail read, in part:
'Correct me if I'm wrong, but if someone wants to smoke it's their own business.... We would appreciate a public apology for the remarks made in your column pertaining to the construction workers here on campus.'
OK, I apologize. I'm sorry we have construction workers here on campus.
In October, I wrote my fourth semi-annual first-hand report on general conference. In this column, I gave my thoughts as I sat in the Tabernacle, watching one session. I did not make fun of general conference, nor did I make fun of any general authorities. There are people who will tell you otherwise, but trust me: I, Eric D. Snider, am the number-one authority on what I, Eric D. Snider, am making fun of, and I can assure you I was NOT making fun of church leaders or conference. (I will probably get even more letters now, from people who will still insist that I DID make fun of those things.)
Anyway, all the column was meant to show was that sometimes I, as an imperfect person, allow my mind to wander when I'm trying to pay attention to something important. But I got this e-mail, from a woman who read the column on a 'Mormon humor' mailing list:
'Nope, not funny. Sounds like conference was a bore. It was inspirational for me.... I'm sorry it was only funny, or a bore for you.'
I asked this woman why she was on a 'Mormon humor' mailing list if she doesn't like humor regarding Mormons, but I got no response. Her letter was typical of several I got from people who were shocked and appalled that anyone could find something so ungodly and evil as HUMOR in general conference. (If you can imagine.)
Nearly two weeks after the general conference column was published -- long after the statute of limitations on getting offended had expired -- the letters-to-the-editor people received an e-mail from someone who described me as 'childish and apostate.' Evidently, this man has some kind of special insight into the souls of people he has not met. I am envious of this gift (but he probably already knew that).
Next: In a column about freakish roommates, I warned against people who think that having served their missions in 'some exotic, backward country like Zimbabwe or Alaska' means they should force their roommates to try some of the native cuisine, even if this includes bugs. This statement upset someone from Zimbabwe, which turns out to be a real place. She wrote:
'You referred to my country as backward. Maybe you thought you could get away with such a comment because you didn't think there were any students from Zimbabwe at BYU. You don't know jack about my country so don't call it backward and don't insult our food.'
I hope she doesn't mean to suggest that they DON'T eat bugs in Zimbabwe, because they do. I had a roommate who served his mission there, and he was always trying to get us to eat these huge bugs, just like they did over there. I'm not saying that's ALL they eat; I'm just saying they do occasionally eat them, perhaps only on special occasions, such as when they are starving to death. Admittedly, that's all I know about Zimbabwe, besides that it's in South America. If that one tidbit of information doesn't equal jack, then I guess she's right in her assessment that I do not know jack. Perhaps she could teach jack to me.
The next week, I mentioned how if you're from Hawaii, you're supposed to begin your sacrament meeting talks by saying, 'Back in Hawaii, we always say, 'Alooooooo-ha,'' and then you make the congregation scream 'Aloha.' This led me to mention things that people traditionally say at the start of their talks in other places, such as South-Central Los Angeles ('Yo, yo, homeys, whassup?'). This time, the girl from Zimbabwe wrote a letter to the editor in which she went on and on about something else and then said:
'I also found part of his article about sacrament talks very tasteless. Making people from Hawaii, South Central LA and Payson look stupid isn't funny. Students at BYU come from different backgrounds and cultures. We should be embracing our differences, not allowing them to be mocked by ignorant people like Eric Snider.'
If I can make Hawaiians look stupid merely by suggesting that saying 'Aloha' in church is silly, then I am apparently more powerful than I thought. Bow down to my awesome might!
And so I guess that's it. Overall, writing the column has been very enjoyable, and I appreciate everyone who has read it and managed to find something amusing in it. I also appreciate the people who wouldn't recognize 'amusing' if it bit them in the butt. So much of the world is serious and dramatic; let's not forget to notice the funny things, too, and appreciate them for the spice they add to this big pot of stew we call life.
'To Eric Snyder: I love stew. How dare you make fun of it?'