Cheesy pick-up lines don’t work for everyone

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    By DARREN WILCOX

    I want to make it clear from the beginning that I am not a ladies’ man. I do like women, don’t misinterpret that, but I guess what I am saying is I don’t hang out at dance clubs.

    I do not cruise dances at the Wilkinson Center, nor do I hang out at the Cannon Center looking for cute freshmen who came to BYU to find a nice RM. However, I have had my share of experiences with people, and for this reason I feel I can write a decent column on pick-up lines.

    One of my favorite movies is “Fletch” with Chevy Chase. In that movie, Chase plays Fletch, who I can relate to because he is a journalist. Fletch is unique because he goes undercover to get information to write his columns.

    The other thing about Fletch is he has some of the best pick-up lines around. I think my favorite has got to be “Can I borrow your towel? My car hit a water buffalo.” Fletch always gets the girl by the end of the movie.

    Of course, it is just a movie, which is why he gets the girl. I’m pretty sure if I tried the water buffalo line I would end up with a broken nose or something similar.

    Speaking of broken noses, I realized the other day I have never been slapped. I’m not complaining here, but I think it’s an experience every guy should have at least once in his life. Again I return to movies, where everyone gets an open-handed smack to the kisser at least once-in-a-while. Not me. Why is that?

    Maybe its because I don’t use the cheesy pick-up lines. I’ve never actually gone up to a girl I don’t know and said something like, “Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been running around in my head all night.” I’ve never said to a girl, “You’re so hot you make my teeth sweat,” or “If I tell you that you have a beautiful body will you hold it against me?”

    On the other hand, maybe it’s my subtle ability to apologize quickly. I have always been the apologetic sort, sometimes even apologizing for stuff I didn’t do. For that reason, I tend to get blamed for a lot more than I actually do. That, combined with the fact that I can’t tell the truth with a straight face, makes for quite an interesting life. But I digress.

    Maybe I just haven’t tried hard enough. Whatever the reason, I have been lucky. While other guys have told horror stories of getting smacked while on the jumbo tron at the Delta Center with 20,000 plus in attendance, I have escaped unscathed.

    But I also have never ended up with the girl.

    Something always goes wrong. I’m not her type, she wants more space, she likes my roommate instead, she comes out to Utah to visit and meets another guy she likes better … you name it, I’ve seen it happen.

    For a while I thought I was cursed. Every girl I went out with ended up dating or marrying a friend of mine, which is kind of wacky, I know, but it’s all true. But I’m not writing this to sound pitiful, so I’ll make my point. I think a good pick-up line, employed effectively at our first encounter, could have saved one of those relationships.

    Maybe if I had said, “You should be in jail, because you’ve stolen my heart,” or “Are you sure you’re not related to Claudia Schiffer?” things would have turned out differently.

    But that’s all in the past. With Valentine’s Day approaching, maybe I should sacrifice some pride and resort to the cheesy pick-up lines. They work so well in the movies, why not in real life? Aren’t movies just imitations of life anyway? Can’t I be like Tom Cruise and Harrison Ford?

    Nope. Sorry. Thank you for playing.

    I have to be me, and that means no pick-up lines. So, while I enjoy hearing them, I would never be able to say one with a straight face. I think I would get halfway through, start to laugh and then ask the girl if she was actually buying it. Hey, that might draw the elusive open-hand-to-the-face I’ve always wondered about.

    I prefer to find dates through safer channels, i.e. work, ward, Wendy’s drive-thru and others. I even found someone I like to do things with, and I didn’t use a cheesy line to do it. So the moral of the story is, stick with what works, but don’t be afraid to try new things.

    Just watch out for the smack.

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