Vincent James Strickler
Sweet Home, Ore.
'How was I to know he was a jerk?' is something I have often heard after a female friend discovers she has been dating a bad man. I guess these women don't know how to quickly identify a jerk, so I have prepared the following Top Ten List to help (with an accompanying list about superficial women... to be fair). It might help the rest of you too. These are not characteristics that necessarily make a guy a jerk (or a woman superficial), but they are things that such people have in common. Just possessing several of these traits should bring a man (or woman) under serious suspicion.
Top Ten Ways to Tell that a Guy is a Jerk
10. Acts conceited in a joking way (guess what girls-its not a joke!).
9. Wears Dr. Martens with white socks.
8. Doesn't do home teaching (except for cute girls).
7. Favorite hobby is snowboarding.
6. Swears (particularly during intramural games).
5. Justifies watching R-rated movies ('It only has violence and swearing.')
4. Ends dates with a visit to Zuka Juice.
3. Offers to give girls back-rubs 'just to be nice.'
2. Drives a Sport-Utility Vehicle.
And the No. 1 way to tell that a guy is a jerk...
1. Wears fitted baseball caps as fashion accessories.
Top Ten Ways to Tell that a Girl is Superficial
10. Lives in a condo.
9. Automatically likes any guy who is a varsity athlete.
8. Doesn't attend ward functions (particularly Home Making).
7. Ideal date involves hot-tubbing.
6. Believes that the B.Y.U. Dress Code doesn't apply to skirts worn to Church.
5. Gets a frequent user discount at her favorite tanning salon.
4. Wears vintage ski sweaters (you know ... the tight ones with a stripe across the bust).
3. Mommy and Daddy pay all her bills.
2. Keeps J. Crew catalogs on her coffee table for casual reading.
And the # I way to tell that a girl is superficial....
1. Prefers to date guys described in the first list.
But perhaps the surest sign that a guy is a jerk, or that a girl is superficial, is that they now say: 'Hey, most of these apply to me --but I'm not superficial!'