Victoria Laney
Contributing Editor
Give your spouse a romantic Dec. 25, by using 25 marriage tips from 25 couples married twenty-five years or more. The tips were gathered by Cynthia Good and Joey Reiman, a happily married couple who are determined to stay that way.
'A happy marriage is the greatest gift we can give each other,' Reiman said. 'Anyone with money can buy a great car or nice clothes. A nice marriage is something money can't buy.'
A television anchor, Good learned of a drug bust in the penthouse of Atlanta's tallest office building. She and a camera crew raced to cover the exclusive story. SWAT teams tried to deny her entry to the building, but she persisted and was escorted to the top floor. When she stepped off the elevator she was astonished to find Reiman, a candlelit table for two and an engagement ring.
'She came thinking she would get the story of a lifetime,' Reiman said. 'What she didn't know was that it would be her own.'
We hope others can create a lifetime of happy stories by using these tips, said Good.
1. The best marriages begin with divorce, not from a previous partner, but from past patterns of behavior. You have to divorce yourself from your parents. You can't expect your husband or wife to act like your father or mother.
2. Never roll your eyes. Researchers can predict with 90 percent accuracy who will divorce. Eye rolling is a danger signal. You must respect your partner. Criticism, stone-walling, and defensiveness are other danger signals.
3. Write, don't fight. 'You can't erase words. They are more damaging than a fist,' Good said. 'One couple said, we hold hands so we won't hit each other.'
4. Be polite when you fight. 'Even when you are mad, declare that you know you can work it out,' Reiman said. He recommends buying a bell. When you are too angry for words, you can ring the bell as a sign that you still love your partner and are committed to staying and working it out.
5. Secrets are sacrilegious. 'We don't keep things from each other. We should keep our partners secrets secret, but we shouldn't keep secrets from each other,' Good said. 'This builds trust.'
'To be authentic is a joy. To accept yourself is a wonderful gift. Intimacy is not sexual. It is emotional. There is nothing more compassionate than to share secrets and know they will be respected,' Reiman said.
6. Tune your piano. Never let a day go by without being sure you are in harmony. Each night before we go to bed, we ask each other, 'How did I do? Is everything O.K.?' Reiman said.
7. Create your own bubble, just for the two of you. 'Even our children aren't in the bubble. They are in a larger bubble that encloses our immediate family. Our extended family is in a larger bubble. If Joey said something about me to you, it would violate our intimacy. It would not respect the bubble,' Good said.
8. Never say no, if it is really important to the other person. Find a way to say yes.
'I have a major issue with the word should. Don't say you should have done something,' Reiman said. Put the past behind you and focus on the future.
9. Buy a swing. When you are swinging, there is something rhythmic that happens. 'We have date night once a week,' Good said. 'We like to sit in the swing and talk and dream.'
10. Fix the roof while the weather is sunny. 'We were madly in love, and we didn't have any problems, but we went for marriage counseling anyway. Most couples wait six years after sensing a problem before they get help.' We wanted to prevent problems and make our love even stronger, Reiman said.
11. Be aware of your partner's needs. 'If it is important to the other person, it has to be important to you,' Good said.
12. Be aware of the small things. Little things can make things better. Compliment your partner on small thing. Give little gifts. Sometimes Reiman writes 'I love you,' with soap on the mirror. 'Kindness is much more important than wisdom,' he said.
13. Romance rules. 'Today is our eightieth anniversary,' Reiman said. 'We celebrate it every single month. Sometimes we will send flowers, sometimes a note. You get to appreciate how incredible your marriage is if you celebrate it every month.'
14 'Be vulnerable. Know that you are loved for who you really are. Queen Victoria had to reign with strength, but she could be vulnerable with Prince Albert. When he died, she said, 'Now there will be no one to call me Vicky.'
'I define love as the only thing worth everything. By this I mean, I would give it all up for love,' Reiman said.
15. When in doubt, reach out to your partner. 'This is one of the greatest secrets we have uncovered. Try it. Some of us, when in doubt, get out. These people lose out,' Reiman said. When I reach out to Cynthia 'everyday is filled with discovery, and many nights as my parents once did, we dance under the moonlight.'
16. Share everything. Make decisions together. Ask for what you want. You can't expect the other person to guess what you are thinking. Grow to be comfortable with each other. Reiman met a couple on an airplane. He asked the husband where home was. The man looked at his wife and replied, 'Wherever she is.'
17. Use your marriage to advance your personal growth. 'My relationship with my wife is what has become paramount in my life, and the source of my strength,' Reiman said.
18. We really recommend therapy. What we grow up with is what we think love is. No one had a perfect childhood. Many people have successfully resolved their pasts so they can love another.
'Our marriage vows to each other were the greatest commitment of all. Our souls were fused by a positive, fearless expression of love.'
19. Marriage is forgiving. Reiman quoted the late Erma Bombeck who said, 'Twenty five years ago I forgave my husband for not being Paul Neuman.'
20. Become an action hero. Reiman held up a hundred dollars. He asked how many people would like it. Many people raised their hands, but only one came to the front of the room and took the money out of his hand. 'If someone offers you something, take it,' he said. Too often we are reluctant to take the opportunities we are given.
21. Develop listening skills. Listen without interrupting. Acknowledge your spouses' feelings. Repeat what you think you heard them say.
'When you pray, you are talking to God. When you meditate, you are listening to God. If you ask yourself what God would do, you will probably come close to what you should do,' Reiman said.
22. Have children, said Good and Reiman who have two young sons. If you don't have your own, hang out with someone else's. They know the ABCs, but they also can teach you much about the CBAs, which is Conceiving, Believing and Achieving. If you have a good thought, it becomes an action. Thoughts become our actions, actions become our habits, habits become our character, and character becomes our destiny.
23. Use humor.
24. Have faith. One couple told us they just pray a lot.
25. Rent a video of the classic movie, 'The Enchanted Cottage,' and then live as if you are in your own cottage.
Reiman and Good have included these ideas in their latest book, 'Marriage: The Ultimate Status Symbol,' which will be published in 1998. Several are also explored in 'The Success Hand Book,' which is available now. It is endorsed by Stephen Covey and dedicated to Cynthia Good. His book, 'The Best Year of Your Life,' is dedicated 'To my beautiful wife Cynthia who makes every year the best year of my life.'