By STEPHEN GORDON
Easter is approaching rapidly. Too rapidly. It's certain that some of us won't be taking advantage of its holiday implications. How can we? We study. We worry. We think of spring fever and the summer that trails closely behind.
We have so many commitments this time of year, even if they are abstract. Is there no time then for holiday celebration? Is there nothing by which we can commemorate Easter? Is there no hope for the impassive BYU student?
There is hope, and there is a way to invigorate the soul with Easter zest. It all lies in the Easter egg. If there be any doubts about this shell-covered organism, let them be erased. You see, the Easter egg is an ancient relic which entitles you to a weekend of fun and fulfillment. Here are some ways to derive the most from it:
1. An Easter egg hunt. Not like the ones you used to have as a child -- no way. By now you've outgrown your pre-adolescent tendencies but, for sure, you still enjoy the thrill of the hunt (after all, you are here at BYU to hunt down a mate, right? That's a thrill in itself).
This hunt is different in nature because it will be in nature's backyard. That's right, in the wild. While you hunt down Easter eggs, some carnivore will hunt you as well. Thus you can re-capture the feelings you had as a child when everything was so new and mysterious. And exciting. It will also be exciting for the grizzly bear who has just emerged from its winter hibernation.
2. Use it as a projectile. Easter eggs make excellent baseballs. Go out and play catch with one. Use it to practice your pitching and hitting. Play cricket with one. You can even use it for lacrosse. The red, blue and yellow dye will make the egg quite visible to the eye and attractive to use. Everybody will want one.
Remember, these sports will make you famous and you'll be lauded as one of the great innovators of the 1990s. Don't throw away the opportunity for greatness (I promise you'll be a cult hero. Perhaps BYU will even name a building after you).
3. Eat it. Simple enough, right? Everybody uses Easter eggs for egg salad sandwiches and other conventional dishes. It's becoming monotonous to a fault. Tradition has robbed us of our creativity. Has anybody ever tasted a chocolate covered egg? How about one dipped in pepper spray? That'll revolutionize Cajun cooking right to the center of the bone. New Orleans will need a bone marrow transplant because of it. But somebody needs to try it.
The importance lies in finding a new direction for eating an Easter egg. We need new pioneers who are willing to take risks. However, pepper spray may be a little too extraneous (just a little bit) for the rigid habitualists, and that's OK. You, the ones who appreciate exotic foods and tastes, can give testimony of how much you enjoyed it this weekend. Just have them look at your brazen tongue afterwards.
You see, there is still a way to make this Easter weekend the best one ever. It lies in the egg, the object behind all this Easter madness. But maybe you're already mad -- like the rest of our capitalist society that profits from this holiday foray. The thrill for them died long ago.
It's up to you to revitalize that youthful dimension that pulses in the back of your mind. Remember, Easter is synonymous with spring, which is synonymous with youth. Find it and bask in it, at least for the weekend. You've been given ideas already. Follow them, and make the most of this weekend. The Easter egg, after all, is an amulet of fortunes and triumphs.
You, however, decide the outcome.