I caught myself halfway up the Maeser hill last semester, out of breath and booking it to work — which didn’t start for another 20 minutes. I felt ridiculous and told myself to slow down. I had plenty of time — work was 60 seconds away. But my legs wouldn’t slow down; instead, the hill seemed to make them want to prove how fit they were.
Granted, it was a day I was feeling more back to my old self. I’d contracted the flu early in the semester; but while my family had gotten over it within a week, I’d been suffering effects for the last couple months.
It was my first semester of graduate school, and I felt like I was running around headless most of the time — which was ironic because as a graduate student the only thing you really do is sit and read. I had assignments at school, responsibilities at home, multiple editing jobs, a campus job, and I couldn’t slow down. Rather, I sped things up, trying to force my body to respond to the greater load and recover out of sheer necessity.
It didn’t work. I couldn’t eat, I lost weight and battled anxiety and almost constant nausea for weeks. I wondered why I couldn’t get better. Those close to me pegged it down to stress. But I couldn’t lighten my load. My Type A personality wasn’t about to let me even slow down, either. I had come through high school and the first round of college with flying colors — granted, never with so much on my plate, but that just came with growing up, right? If other people could handle it, I should be able to.
But, much as I hated to admit it, grad school was a different game — one I was less qualified to play. It had kicked my Type A personality into a Type A+, wanting to handle a huge load just to prove I could do it. Well, some people could handle that much stress; but I had tried to swallow too much, and now I was choking.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said recently, “Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey. Doesn’t it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?”
I was guilty of that. The pace I had set for myself in order to launch a career as quickly as possible had resulted in broken health, anxiety and hating school and life in general. I wasn’t interacting with or serving others because I was so worn out. My old outlets had failed to alleviate my new levels of stress, and I had no time to heal or distract myself. I was running faster than I had strength.
Life is to be enjoyed. Sure it’s busy. We’re students, employees, family members and friends. We’re involved in church callings, extracurricular activities and a myriad of other obligations. But overloading on the pursuit of excellence will not make us happy or useful to others. Metaphorically, the road trip to the Grand Canyon is not just about getting there, and faster than all the other cars on the highway; it’s about the beauty, the picnics, the interpersonal relationships we strengthen on the road.
Of course, we need to do our best. But everyone has different capabilities and challenges. My circumstances and abilities are different from yours. I can handle more than some and not as much as others.
But this rule applies to all: our best includes not only work but also fun and service. No life is truly complete without them. Sometimes we lose sight of one or more of these factors. When that happens, we need to alter course, shift weight around, figure out what our true priorities are (or should be) and regain the balance that makes life not only accomplished but happy. Because if we’re run down we can’t give our best. And if we aren’t happy, we’re not really motivated to give it anyway.
School taught me that lesson the hard way.
This semester I’m not doing as much. I still speed walk to class. But not as fast. And I still get there on time. I’m busy. But not burned out. Instead, I feel healthy, paced and happy. I can lift others’ burdens more because I’m not so worried about my own. I can get everything done in a more orderly manner. I can even include a hobby or two and take time to figure out what I want to do with my degree.
I may not graduate as quickly as I’d planned, but that’s OK. I enjoy life again, and my Type A personality is re-driven to do my best — in all areas, and within my limits.
