The Love Judge: Court is in session

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In response to the overwhelming amount of dating questions The Daily Universe receives, we decided to bring in The Love Judge, a world-renowned relationship expert, to answer your queries. Having received his Ph.D. at Love Tech, The Love Judge learned at the feet of Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth and Dr Pepper. He currently lives in an undisclosed, highly-romantic location, where he does pro bono work for the romantically challenged. Unlike most relationship experts, he dislikes rainy days, foreign films and long walks on the beach.

Q: I ‘ve been dating this girl for five months and have only known her for five months. I still am a little flirty here and there with other girls but I’m not sure how to figure out if I should keep dating her or this other girl I’ve had my eyes on for a while. — Hunting in Heritage

Photo Illustration by Sarah Strobel

A: Wait, you’ve been dating a girl for five months and you’ve only known her for five months? So you didn’t know her before you dated her? From this “Low Incubation Period” I assume you were overtly flirtatious with your girlfriend when it started, much like you’re flirty “here and there” with other girls currently. Your circumstance is packed with the bizarre dating habits BYU students seem to think are normal.  In the future, I suggest actually getting to know someone before committing to them, though it sounds like you were never that committed in the first place. As for this girl you’ve had your eyes on for a while — I suggest keeping your eyes on your actual girlfriend for a change.

Q: If you’re known at your job as a “serial dater,” is that a good or bad thing? — Pigeonholed in Provo

A: This is a bad thing. In fact, I’m legally obligated as a licensed Love Judge to have you register as a serial dater. D.A.T.E.R.B.A.S.E., The U.S. government’s Serial Dater Database, keeps the public apprised of sickos like yourself. I WILL FIND YOU.

Q: What do you do if your ex-boyfriend won’t leave you alone? You’ve broken up but he still acts like things are normal. — Bird-dogged in Belmont

A: What do I do if my ex-boyfriend won’t leave me alone? I don’t have an ex-boyfriend. I don’t know why you would think that, or why you’d think that my ex-boyfriend — which I don’t have — and I broke up. Or why my ex-boyfriend — again, that I do not have — acts like things are normal. He doesn’t act that way because he doesn’t exist, and, to be completely honest, your assumptions make me question your normalcy. Please cease and desist.

Q: My fiancée INSISTS that I not buy her anything for Valentine’s Day. What do I do? — Entrapped at the Elms

A: One of my patients told me an experience, which I’ll relay to you. This patient told her boyfriend she wanted to serve an LDS mission. But here’s the thing — she had no intention of actually going. It was just a ploy to get her boyfriend serious about marriage. Her plan backfired. The boyfriend, being the good natured, supportive man he is, told her he thought a mission was a great idea. And so they danced. My advice is this: take your fiancée’s word for it. If she gets mad at you for not getting her anything, take it as an omen. Take back the ring. Tell her to serve a mission. Find a new fiancée.

Q: I found love in a hopeless place. What do I do? — Floundering in Foxwood

A: The easiest course of action is to exit this hopeless place (a Waffle House or a Provo “dance party,” perhaps?) and quickly get yourself in someplace more hopeful, like a Denny’s or any other non-“dance party” social gathering. I also recommend you stop listening to Rihanna. Doing so has shown a significant statistical decrease in hopeless place-based love discoveries.

Q: How much money is appropriate to be spent when you’re not committed yet, but don’t know if things are going anywhere? — Prudent in Park Plaza

A: Well, that depends. How much money do you have? A wealthy patient of mine took a woman to the Bahamas for a “quick weekend getaway.” If this exceeds your price range, well, I’m sorry, but there’s no hope for you. With a guy like him on the market, you don’t stand a chance.

Q: My ex-girlfriend texted me and said that she was “so excited to see me.” What does that mean? Does she still want me? — Confused in King Henry

A: While getting my Ph.D. at Love Tech I took a class in female psychology. I got an F. But so did everyone who ever took the course. By virtue of its very subject matter, an F was the highest possible grade. It taught us the truest lesson about the female psyche: it’s mostly incomprehensible. There are the things women say, then there are the things they actually mean. Oftentimes, there is no traceable connection between the two. This is basic neuroscience and I defy you to refute it. Don’t waste your energy interpreting this girl’s text message. The question here is not whether she still wants you, but whether you still want her. Answer that and get back to me.

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