By Emily Borders
The car rolls to a stop. As the young male driver gets out of the car, the young woman in the passenger seat discreetly looks in the side-view mirror to make sure she looks all right.
Walking toward the apartment, the young man fidgets with his keys in his pocket and wonders if the night went OK. At the doorstep, questions like, 'Do we shake hands or hug?' enter the mind and for recently returned missionaries, the fact of being two feet away from a member of the opposite sex, alone, completes the awkwardness of the situation.
After a swift hug and thank you, the young woman steps into the apartment and before having time to relax and sit down, roommates crowd around, wanting to know every detail of the first date.
For many BYU students, formal dating is surrounded with misconceptions, so instead, students rely on 'hanging out' as a means to socialize and connect with other single adults.
Formal equals Elaborate and Premature Commitment
On May 1, 2005, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, addressed the subject of 'hanging out' in the memorable Church Educational System fireside for single adults.
So what is a date?
'If you don''t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help,' Elder Oaks said at the fireside. 'I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A ''date'' must pass the test of three P''s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off.'
Far from the time of young men clumsily calling girls to go see a movie, Elder Oaks said, over time, dating has changed in meaning and significance, thereby, complicating the dating process and turning it into an expensive production.
'All of this made dating more difficult,' Elder Oaks said at the fireside. 'As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment.'
For BYU students, these expectations evolved into misconceptions about dating and marriage.
After returning home from a date, young single adult women can expect to hear comments of 'So ... how was it?' or 'Do you think he''s ''the one''?' from roommates and family members. More pressure and emphasis is placed early, on marriage and the future, as opposed to the process of getting to know a person.
'The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex,' Elder Oaks said at the fireside. 'It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship.'
The Obsession with Perfection
In a 2002 Devotional address titled 'Hanging Out, Hooking Up and Celestial Marriage,' Bruce Chadwick, retired BYU sociology professor, discussed another dangerous misconception, which he calls, 'The Cinderella and glass slipper syndrome.'
' is the focus on finding the perfect person to marry with whom you will live happily ever after,' Chadwick said in the Devotional. 'I am convinced that the Lord''s plan is to find a right one rather than the one.'
Chadwick said although rejecting the Cinderella complex is important, focusing on the potential in a spouse and helping each other achieve eternal desires together should be the goal.
'I am not suggesting that you marry just anyone,' Chadwick said in the address. 'But I am suggesting that some of us may have raised the bar a little too high.'
Chadwick also suggests that individuals shouldn''t expect Heavenly Father to deliver future companions at one''s door.
'Instead, be a little more proactive and seek someone you like, someone who is worthy and someone who inspires you to be a better person,' Chadwick said. 'The Spirit will guide you, but won''t do the courting or make the choice for you.'
This obsession with perfection limits dating opportunities and increases single dating stress and anxiety.
'Those who seek a faithful person to be an eternal companion to, and grow toward perfection with, will make progress,' said David Dollahite, BYU family life professor, in an e-mail interview. 'Those who try to find a perfect soul mate, someone who can immediately and perfectly meet all personal needs, artificially limit options and delay progress.'
The saying 'we marry who we date' becomes confused among young single adults, said Martie Heaton, BYU marriage, family and human development professor.
By waiting for the perfect Mr. or Miss Right, individuals miss out on some really good friends, Heaton said.
' is a great thing to do,' said Rachel Crompton, an elementary education major from Elgin, Ill. 'It builds friendships, even though it may not continue on to an eternal marriage or relationship.'
Crompton, 20, who met her husband in her singles ward, expected to marry someone with characteristics more like her brothers.
'It''s kind of funny, he has so many qualities that I didn''t necessarily think he had to have,' Crompton said.
Few individuals know on the first couple of dates if the date will lead to marriage, said Mary Davies, a 21-year-old from Bothell, Wash., majoring in speech language pathology.
' better to just take a deep breath and remember to have fun,' Davies said.
Dating Preparation
Although having fun is important in dating, personal preparation is essential for dating success.
BYU''s Relate Institute, known for pre-marital and marital assessments, also provides personality assessments for single adults as well, said Abby Viveiros, researcher and marriage prep teacher.
The Relate Institute offers the online assessment, 'Ready,' for single adults.
'Ready was developed to assist individuals who are not currently in a committed relationship, evaluate their readiness for a future relationship,' according to the institute''s Web site.
'I think the more you can prepare yourself for marriage, the better,' Viveiros said.
From breaking away from dating misconceptions to building friendships among fellow peers, Trent Bezzant, a 23-year-old from Dallas, majoring in chemical engineering, gives this advice about dating and its possibilities: 'If you don''t ask, you''ll never know,' he said.
The cost for the Ready assessment is $10. For more information about the Relate Institute, visit www.relate-institute.org or Room 1059 in the JFSB.
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Inexpensive Date Ideas
o Prepare a sack lunch for two and hike the 'Y'
o Go to the Eyring Science Center and play with the science experiments
o Enjoy a free art exhibit at the MOA
o Read childrens'' books at the library
o Go see a $1 movie at the Varsity Theatre