By Jens Dana
Jitters before a test can be as paralyzing as an elephant tranquilizer, with symptoms ranging from sweaty palms to pounding hearts. In worst-case scenarios, child psychologists at Adirondack Medical Center said the jitters could induce insomnia, nausea and headaches.
Some students cope with the jitters by postponing studies, while others study and recite test material to themselves until they look like they''re rehearsing a scene from 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo''s Nest.'
Neither study plan appeals to me. In fact, they make me ponder students'' ability to be happy during Finals Week. Daydreaming has always been my way of coping with stress and solving problems, so during one lecture I found less than inspiring this past week, I slipped into a little fantasy, searching for an answer to my dilemma.
The daydream unraveled in the form of an imaginary dialogue. I was on a distant, Greek hillside, surrounded by ionic columns. Gorgias, the infamous orator, was my antagonist. I sat on couch across from him, decked out in an Honor Code-approved toga with a crown of laurel leaves on my brow.
Gorgias cut right to the chase and said, 'So are we to understand, Jens, that a student can still be happy while at the desk in the testing center, or even during the whole of Finals Week?'
'Most assuredly, Gorgias,' I said. We both pause and strike classic poses.
'But how?' he asked. 'Did not Aeschylus say, ''Only when a man''s life comes to an end in prosperity dare we pronounce him happy''?'
'He did,' I said, stalling a few moments. 'But could we not say it is possible to be temporarily happy?'
'I suppose we could,' Gorgias conceded.
'In that case,' I said, confident he had fallen into my snare, 'we could say the student is temporarily happy in that he senses the end of his tests. Then once he is done, he is completely happy.'
'Then you would say the student is happy?' Gorgias asked. 'Even in the midst of Finals Week?'
'Of course,' I said, shifting poses.
'Then I ask you this,' Gorgias pressed. 'Is procrastination a form of wickedness?'
'It surely is!' I said. 'After all, we readily see any work is judged to be good or bad depending on its fruits. Everyone knows procrastination only begets bad fruit.'
'Then by your admission,' Gorgias said, 'It is impossible for many students to be happy.'
'By the oracles at Delphi!' I cursed. 'I implied no such thing.'
'But you did,' he said. 'We agreed procrastination is a form of wickedness. Many students procrastinate their studies, especially around Finals Week. Therefore, the students themselves are wicked. Let''s not forget the scripture that reads, ''Wickedness never was happiness.'' Therefore, we can safely assume students cannot be happy during Finals Week.'
By this time in the daydream, I was sweating, and the laurel leaves on my crown were wilted. I tried to remember some fallacy or logic term from class to rebut him, but it had been a semester since I studied any of that. Fortunately I shook myself back to reality just in time for the professor to wrap up his lecture.
I''m still amazed that a figment of my imagination out argued me, but that''s the great thing about philosophy ? it has practically no functional value outside of the classroom setting.
Since that failed experiment, I decided daydreaming isn''t the best way to deal with the jitters; it just reminded me how much I''ve forgotten and how much I still need to cram for Finals Week. Maybe it would be good to blow the dust off my books and start studying now.