This morning went pretty well — I woke up on time, showered, shaved, had a nice breakfast and arrived at class a few minutes ahead of time. I saw a copy of the Universe sitting on the ground, and, remembering it was Tuesday, opened up to the opinion/editorial page, hoping for a few good laughs.
My joy quickly faded. After reading the letters to and the opinion of the editor, I realized that I am the scum of the earth, and not worthy of the happiness I was feeling. In the short span of five minutes, I was reminded that I am not worthy of being a BYU student, or the Celestial Kingdom, because I have, in moments of weakness been late to class, not stopped for the national anthem, taken a picture of an individual I admire, talked in the middle of a staircase, walked on the grass, rode my bicycle between classes and jaywalked.
A big thank you to all of the opinion writers for showing me the error of my ways. I now know that I am the textbook natural man, and my eternal lot is to suffer for my inadequacies with all of the other heathens. On the other hand, I am honored to attend a school with so many people who don’t take pictures or walk on the grass, and hope that I can one day be as perfect as them.
May God have mercy on my soul!