Freshmen males: Get lost


    There is never a good time for freshmen males to be on campus.

    I was once a freshman. I was a loser. I did not exist. I was simply a number walking back and forth from large, oversized classes trying not to be knocked down by the bigger, smarter, more socially apt students.

    It’s no secret that freshmen guys stick out like bright red sore thumbs. You can spot one from over a hundred yards away. They just don’t fit in.

    The policy makers around here (my roommate Nathan and I) have decided it is time that we take a deeper look at this phenomenon that infects BYU. There is little time to lose. We must address the problem and develop a permanent solution to their presence before another crop pops up in late August.

    The freshman guy lives in another world somewhere in between high school coolness and BYU normality. Having failed to reach maturity during his high school years, he strolls on to BYU campus with the false assumption that trends are still the most important part of life. He shamelessly cares deeply for name brands, he only eats at the coolest places, and he drives his cherry-red Jeep with the five-inch lift.

    “Come on, I’m still cool,” he constantly reminds himself.

    It doesn’t take long until he realizes that popularity no longer matters and he finds himself drowning in a huge sea of apathetic college students. Even the freshmen girls have exceeded his coolness, for they only settle to go out with the returned missionaries and their foreign tongues.

    “No matter,” thinks our hero, “my girlfriend is still in high school, and she still thinks I’m cool, right?”

    His days consist of waking at unearthly hours because every class he wanted was filled when he registered. He walks to class alone, talks to no one the entire day, struggles through American Heritage and Physical Science 100, and then he walks home again – alone, of course.

    Ignorant to the reality of college life, he thinks the dorms are a pretty happening place to live. Hey, he gets to visit the girls every Wednesday and Saturday from seven to nine – and foyer hours are even longer!

    Then again, weekends are reserved for trips back to the homestead to check on his still-in-high-school love. But these trips constantly diminish in effectiveness as his true love realizes there are other options than a part-time college geek.

    So there it is. Truly, there isn’t much more than that. I know this because I’ve lived it. What is one to do with this poor excuse for a college student? They are plaguing our classes and filling our precious walkways.

    The solution is simple: No more male freshmen students.

    Simply don’t accept them until they are back from their missions. This would only be doing a service to them.

    Having served their mission, lost their hair and gained a few more pounds, they would feel much more comfortable when walking on campus for the first time.

    Now, I understand that not every single man that attends BYU will have served a mission. In this case, the administration could simply extend a letter of acceptance to incoming freshmen, which states, “We are pleased to inform you of your acceptance to Brigham Young University. Unfortunately, due to the large amount of students who are normal, your admission will take a minimum of two years to process before you are allowed to attend classes. Please prepare yourself accordingly by attending the local community college or technical training institute.”

    Honestly, I’ve never seen a freshmen guy do anything useful or of value. For all I care, they should only be allowed on campus as EFY students – they fit in better with that crowd than the university population.

    If some have been angered, let it be known that I’m not against freshmen guys. Every male has to experience this and it’s not their fault they graduated from high school. All I’m saying is that they are useless, especially to BYU females. They would be happier improving the popularity at the local JC.

    On second thought, we might be better off without the freshmen girls too…but that’s a different story.

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