Utah columnist puts stupid BYU jokes here

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    Eric Walden

    NewsNet Managing Director Note: As is generally the case, some elements of this ?rivalry? feature from the University of Utah Chronicle had to be edited to make it acceptable for the BYU audience. There was a hackneyed weight-related Relief Society ?joke? that was removed because it was ? well, hackneyed AND pointless. (As opposed to being just pointless or just hackneyed, as is most of the rest of the material.) There was also an insulting jab at The First Presidency, which we refuse to promulgate. I guess they think they have to try. Sigh.

    I?m almost ashamed to admit it, but I used to be a BYU football fan.

    I spent my Saturdays watching the Blue and White dismantle some poor group of Division I-AA kids as the latest messianic quarterback threw for over 500 yards and six touchdown passes.

    Yup, in my formative years, I sure did enjoy watching the Cougars run up the score on whomever they happened to be playing. Eventually, though, as I grew older, got more mature, underwent a shift in ideological values, I grew away from the Y.

    It was nothing personal, it?s just that at a certain age, your own personal ideals eventually supplant those fed to you by the institutions you have come to revere.

    That happened to me on my fourth birthday. Granted, it took me a little longer to outgrow my affinity for the Y than I would have liked, but then, some of us are slow developers.

    Now, don?t get me wrong ? some might surmise that because I attend the University of Utah, I have an intense dislike for the Y.

    This couldn?t be further from the truth. In actuality, I have great respect for that institution to the south and the students who attend it.

    Just think of the character it takes to let your bishopric and triple combination make all your life?s decisions for you. That way, you don?t have to waste any time pondering those important life questions like whether or not you should get married, have kids or pierce your ears more than once.

    Divine revelation is there to do it for you. I?m being serious now when I say that I?m kind of jealous about the other myriad benefits of having all your decisions made for you.

    Just think, if I was going to BYU, when I woke up in the morning I would never have to debate whether I should get up a little early to shave or catch a few more minutes of sleep. How nice it must be to have the Honor Code right there to instruct you in some matters.

    I?ll admit, it does have its downside, as I?ve encountered a great number of BYU?s female students who are quite upset that they have to get rid of their 3 o?clock shadow every day, but then some measure of personal sacrifice is inevitably necessary to attain those celestial benefits.

    Also, as your prototypical starving college student, I must say that BYU would appear to vastly improve my dietary habits.

    Instead of having to choose between Skyy and Absolut, I would have Sprite automatically provided to me. And rather than having to stick another frozen burrito in the microwave, I could simply go down the block, find the nearest Relief Society meeting and indulge in an endless supply of ?funeral potatoes? and green Jell-O with carrot shavings. Yum!

    You know I?d be putting some weight on my rather thin frame, too. A few years of eating like that and I could be on the Y?s offensive line.

    Heaven knows going to school in Provo would present myriad benefits for my sagging social life. No ethical decisions are necessary about which smut-filled movie to see when you know that it?s Family Home Evening and you?ve got the ol? Trivial Pursuit game just itchin? to get off that closet shelf.

    Along the same lines, there?s no brainstorming required about what you and your significant other should do by the fourth date. Whereas I would be in a

    quandary trying to decide if we should go dancing, see a movie, go out to dinner or just stay at home ? those lucky Y students get to start making wedding plans.

    Finally, I?m also jealous of the stability that BYU has with its football team. While Ute fans are always left wondering if the team will win, or if Rice-Eccles Stadium will be half-full or two-thirds full, Cougar loyalists face no such issues.

    They are guaranteed to get the same thing week after week.

    They know that LaVell Edwards Stadium will be filled every week because there?s simply nothing else to do in sappy Happy Valley; they know that LaVell will always look like he forgot to take his fiber that day, and they know that the local Krispy Kreme will be there to feed their sorrows following another loss.

    Unfortunately for them, the First Presidency kind of threw off the equilibrium with the announcement of the new beatitudes and the subsequent Honor Code changes.

    In the process, they inherently doomed the Cougs to a loss in Salt Lake City this year.

    How does President Gordon B. Hinckley expect the Y players to run effectively this soon after getting surgery to remove those tattoos from their backsides?

    Oh well, there are worse things than losing to the Utah football team, I guess. Your wife could wind up looking like LaVell, for instance.

    Utah 27, BYU 16

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