By PETE THUNNELL
Many BYU students greeted the Oscar-nominee announcements with a big question mark. It’s no secret that a good chunk of the nominations go to the R-rated flicks … we’ve got the four hundred and eleven. Most of us speculate on who is going to win based on what we read in People — my celebrity rag of choice.
“I was shocked to see that Matt Damon wasn’t nominated for ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley,'” you’ll hear people say around campus in their knowledgeable Entertainment Tonight reporter voice, knowing full well that all they know about the flick is that Damon runs around in a lime-green Speedo.
Still, anyone who has ever lived in Provo knows that movies provide a much needed staple of entertainment. At the very least, they fill up the evenings when you’re not in the mood for more “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire” type Fox reality shows.
(I was sad, though, to hear that they aren’t going to do the “Marry a Millionaire” show anymore. My idea was that they should have taken the show to Provo and renamed it “Who wants to, in a week, meet and get engaged to a fresh RM who has quite a bit of ambition and earning potential and maybe, with the right girl, will become a millionaire — but don’t get us wrong, it’s not like money will be our main focus, you know.” Come on, Provo could provide enough people to make the show go daily with no reruns.)
To bring much-needed attention to the BYU students say in today’s cinema, I am instituting the Felix Movie Awards, called this because in “The Odd Couple,” Oscar was the dirty one and Felix was the thin, neat, clean one (don’t say it, because I know what you’re thinking).
The world needs these awards, much like it is in need of lotion that guys can use that doesn’t smell feminine fruity (Since all lotions now have to smell edible, we need some guy-food lotions. What guy wouldn’t use Baja Chalupa or Whopper-with-Cheese scented lotions?)
Now I realize that maybe I’m not the most qualified to pick these prestigious Felix Awards. After all, I wasn’t important enough to be screening flicks up at Sundance this year.
I was ready to go, though, and try to justify to myself what I was seeing by thinking things like, “‘American Psycho’ isn’t rated so I’m sure that it must be a lot like ‘An American Tail,’ which, if my memory serves me, also wasn’t rated.
This time, though, it must be about a psychiatrist who goes to America to conduct tests to find the varying levels of depression and acceptance that set in when the immigrant mice are confronted with the realization that in America there ARE cats and the streets are NOT paved with cheese.
So then without further fanfare, I present the first semi-biannual-on-the-third-night-of-the-spring-equinox Felix Awards. (Since Joan Rivers wasn’t available to critique outfits for these awards, my little sister Kerstin has been instructed to wander around campus today, roll her eyes and make snide comments about what everyone is wearing as they read this.)
Most Anticipated Movie That Flat-Out Stunk — “Entrapment” The film brought two questions to my mind, “Is Catharine Zeta-Jones the hottest thing going?” and, “How much longer are they going to wheel out a liver-spotted Sean Connery to canoodle with women 1/3 his age?” I’ll give you a clue; the answer to one of these questions is “yes.”
Movie Most Likely to be Shown at the Next Friday Night When Everyone Gets Together and Says “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” — “Big Daddy” I doubt many of us can even count how many weekend night busts have been spent watching Adam Sandler. Somehow watching Sandler makes us feel like we’re at some kind of party — all be it a fairly lame one where your one buddy shouts out the punch lines before they’re even said (and often before the movie even starts.)
Best Teen Flick Plot — One popular person takes an unpopular person (usually someone quite attractive who is wearing glasses, doesn’t have his/her hair combed, and owns a wardrobe of baggy clothes) and makes them amazing by cutting their hair and buying them tighter clothes. So amazing in fact, that they’re readily accepted by their fellow classmates (a slew of costars who prepared for their roles by watching “Pretty in Pink” like it was Shakespeare). This plot is so old I’m pretty sure that “The Epic of Gilgamesh” borrowed it from Homer. Or vice-versa, who can keep them straight.
Worst Movie Clich? — Whenever a group of people clap in movies these days it always starts with some courageous soul clapping alone. Then slowly others join in, ever crecendoing, until everyone is whooped into a frenzy. Don’t movie people ever participate in spontaneous group applaudings anymore? This clich? needs to be banished, much in the same way that any karokee song that lasts over one minute (I mean really, do we need to hear all four verses of “Bust a Move?”) needs to be banished.
Biggest Movie Pipe Dream — All those Niche-reading, coffee-swilling Barnes and Noble guys who now, thanks to “Notting Hill,” believe that they have a shot with gorgeous, famous women.
Best Movie Mob Scene — Outside the International Cinema when they were showing “Life is Beautiful.” Apparently, to celebrate this film that protests war and the degradation of our fellow human beings, a sizable amount students thought that stampeding like love-starved buffalo for the theater doors was the way to go. It was like being at a KISS concert, but with trampling music of a more Italian-accordion flavor.
Worst Actor — A toss-up between Jar Jar Binks and Kevin Costner in whatever lame flick he was in. In the end Costner gets the nod just because, no matter how horrible and offensive it was, Jar Jar at least learned an accent, something Mr. “I’m Robin Hood from New Hampshire” Costner never could do (Apparently, it’s a few years after “Prince of Thieves” and I still can’t let it go.)
The Felix Lifetime Achievement Award — After much deliberation, this prestigious award goes to “The Phone Call,” the greatest BYU film ever — with apologies to “Rumble in the Colony.” The outfits, Jimmy from the “Superman” movies, the quotable lines like, “I play the basson. It’s like a balloon with s’es.” Sorry Johnny Lingo, but this is the true eight-cow BYU cult classic.
Best Movie Theater Accessory — Thank goodness for the fashionable return of big purses for women. Now when I go to Movies 8 with a woman, we are able to smuggle in enough Hot Tamales, popcorn, soda, Sam’s Club sized jar of pickles, and assorted bulk dried goods, to feed the first six rows of the theater. When I see my date show up with a purse that is so big that it is disputable as to whether it could be used as an airline carry-on, I know that this woman is something special.
If I left out any Felix awards, please e-mail me and let me know. If you don’t like this list, feel free to steal as many newspapers as you can get your hands on. If anyone tries to stop you, tell them that you’re stocking up on Pizza Pipeline coupons, which, for the money, is what happened to all those other newspapers.
