Brandon Winn: Utah will crush Cougars on Saturday

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    By BRANDON WINN

    I must admit that when I was down in Provo about a week ago, I saw something that almost made me run to Wendover and lay my entire Chronicle Sports Editor paycheck, about six bucks and some change, on BYU.

    It was a group of what I thought was the offensive and defensive line running sprints down University Parkway. It was the fastest I’d ever seen a group of people run. I mean, they were passing cars (of course, all the cars in Provo are ’78 station wagons loaded with 17 people, but still, it was impressive).

    I was like, “If the lineman can do that, then think what the receivers and running backs can do! Utah’s dead.” Then I looked closer. Unless the Cougar football players took up cross-dressing in flower-pattern dresses, and after watching Aaron Cupp play I wouldn’t put it past the them, then the people running were women.

    This peeked my curiosity, so I headed down to BYU’s Campus (I had to sneak past the bell tower sniper to gain access because it was a Sunday and I was wearing Levis and a T-shirt) and started asking questions. What I learned is that a bunch of Cougar coeds had bolted out of Relief Society when they saw a UPS truck drive by. It was Fast Sunday, and the heavier girls, which was a high number, were starting to grow delusional because of the heat. When the UPS truck drove by, one stood up and screamed, “Holy fetch, a chocolate truck!” Well, the stampede of jet powered Roseanne look-alikes was off.

    I decided to put my money on the Utes instead because they are going to roll.

    It’s a good thing all the pharmacies are open late in Salt Lake, or else the ride home from Rice-Eccles Stadium would be very, very depressing for all you Cougar fans foolish enough to waste your money on tickets for Saturday’s game. It’s a fact that drug stores are stocking the shelves with prozac, in anticipation of a big Ute win on Saturday. Nobody likes an angry driver, so BYU fans will be asked to pop the happy pills before making the magical trek back to Sappy, I mean, Happy Valley.

    It’s not even going to be close. I have a friend who happens to be a Cougar fan. All week I’ve heard Ronney Jenkins the god, Ronney Jenkins the track star, Ronney Jenkins the greatest running back to ever wear Blue and White.

    Well, just let me say this. When Mike Thomas, Pene Talamaivao and Kautai Olevao get through with pretty boy Jenkins, he’ll be six inches shorter, on a stretcher and calling everyone Jimmy after being struck to the head numerous times. The Ute defense is going to start Thanksgiving early, and carve up Jenkins after stuffing him at the line over and over and over.

    The great Ronney Jenkins will do nothing, which means that Kevin “what color are we again?” Feterik will have to do something he’s never done before — win a game with his arm. That’s like telling LaVell Edwards to can the crusty and smile. It just ain’t gonna happen.

    Is it just me, or do Feterik’s passes look like they’re filled with helium when he throws a deep out? They rise like dough in the oven. But that’s okay because you have Drew “my daddy told me to quit” Miller who can come off the bench and lead the Cougars to at least a fourth down before being injured.

    But it won’t matter that your quarterbacks throw like they’re slow-pitch softballers, because whenever they drop back a red tidal wave is going to drowned them. The Ute defensive line is faster and stronger than ever, and the left-footed clods you have on the O-line down there won’t be able to handle Thomas, Talamaivao, Chuck Pine and John Frank.

    Things will be so gory that Chastity, I mean Varsity Theater won’t be able to show clips without cutting 58 of the game’s 60 minutes out. You’re offense can’t match up with the faster, smarter and better Utah defense. Your receivers have let so many balls slide through their fingers that I swear they must have mixed up the stick-em with crisco, and your coaches haven’t had an original idea since Ty Detmer left. Reminds me of the Universe a little bit.

    LaVell just plops down in one spot and watches the game with a look of constipation on his face. You’d think that after 27 years, the man would at least figure out that people are on to the fact that he doesn’t coach a lick anymore. Hey LaVell, it’s time to retire and dig out those bermuda shorts and straw hat buddy. Your time has come. In fact, it came and left 10 years ago.

    Anyway, enough about Stonehenge, I mean Lavell. Let’s talk about your defense, namely how overrated it is. How many defensive backs have been suspended for breaking the Honor Code? It’s safe to say that the green stuff in Cougar Stadium ain’t the only grass your team’s been scoring on. Instead of the affectionate name of Zoobies you’ve been given by Ute fans, it has been officially changed to Doobies.

    Jonathan Crosswhite will hit Daniel Jones and Jerome Anderson for big gainers all day, while your defenders try and figure out “how these Utes keep getting so fetching open?”.

    But that’s not all. Michael Anderson and Omar Bacon will simply destroy the Cougars on the ground. Once they touch the ball, the Utes will be running free to the end zone quicker than a returned missionary to Morgan Jewelers. By the fourth quarter, Ron McBride will be leading the Ute marching band in song, and Lavell will be, well, just standing there wondering what in the world ever became of that Robbie Bosco fellow.

    Final Score: Utah 37, BYU 20.

    Tell Universe Sports Editor Scott Bell not to worry. He still has

    basketball. D’oh.

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