There is a great concern arising here at BYU. The concern, which is growing at a seemingly exponential rate, deals with a new species that has evolved here on campus. Because of the adverse living conditions, many have been forced to adapt to their environment by gradually evolving into a masochistic, frantic beast that disregards its own life for the mere necessity of crossing the street (take a breath if you are reading this out loud).
Normal, human-like, safety-minded students, over a period of time, change into a social lemming. I have witnessed close friends of mine (it’s always saddest when it occurs in loved ones) change in a matter of months and regularly begin to hurl their fragile frames into oncoming traffic, carelessly ignoring their friend and companion, Mr. Crosswalk.
This need to complete some strange kamikazi mission wrecks havoc on the nerves of those poor drivers, who are forced to try to evade these confused Whack-a-moles (a.k.a. pedestrians). Perhaps if the university offered a course in prevention, or perhaps made crosswalks every five feet, or even zapped them with a transmogrifier gun to change them (the lemmings, not the university people who are in charge) into superheroes — (like the Green Lantern, or Aquaman … which brings up the question of whether or not Aquaman can fly? And if he can’t, why is he even considered super? Perhaps action should be taken to kick him out of the Halls of Justice.) — so as to preserve these individuals.
I truly worry for the earthly duration of this new species. If some action is not soon taken, I fear extinction. Let us not let this happen, as it has in the past with the species’ cousin, the Dodo.
Dave M. Carr
Mount Pleasant, Sanpete County