Denny’s reigns supreme while BYU sleeps

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    By PHILIP M. VAN DIJK

    This being the edition of the Daily Universe regarding “BYU’s Heritage and Future” and all, and me being on the “Theatre and Art” beat and all, it just logically follows that I will be writing about the following topic: Denny’s Restaurant.

    You see, Denny’s restaurant is an often overlooked and always misunderstood metaphor when it comes to finding similarities between Provo organizations. For instance, did you know that both Denny’s and BYU include the letter “Y” in them? Also, did you know each is named after a person? Third, did you know they both have a huge, white concrete letter painted on the mountainside? (Well, it kind of pertains to Denny’s?)

    But these are all trivial similarities. The real similarities present themselves when the alert student digs a little deeper. Just watch.

    As you all know, Denny’s is notorious for it’s night breed that come out to inhabit its tables after dark. Well, I would submit to you that the same breed of people reside here at BYU. Just check the halls of Deseret Towers or Helaman Halls (the dorms are full of them), or you can read the Police Beat. Most of the stories are about inhabitants of D.T. Where else can you find two adults getting in a fist fight over a Nintendo control paddle? Or two adults throwing eggs off the roof? Or someone anonymously putting a duck named “Moses” in another’s room?

    Heck, the weirdo’s at Denny’s have nothing on our D.T. residents. In fact, my own theory is that the people that hang out at Denny’s after dark get many of their ideas from reading BYU’s Police Beat. Some would argue they get their ideas from staking out Wymount, but I am not sure. However, that brings me to my next similarity.

    Servers at Denny’s are not just servers, but confidants and psychologists as well. These “servers” get to be bosom buddies with the night breed at Denny’s. They are told everything. BYU has a similar system of confidants, only they are called “lab assistants.” I, for one, am on a first name basis with the lab assistants in the Accounting Lab. (Hi, Mike!) We’ve had some pretty serious bonding times — like when I failed the first accounting test, and then again when I failed the second accounting test. I am looking forward to seeing them again after the final.

    Next similarity: People all wear headphones at Denny’s. (Granted, they also all wear earrings and dye their hair red, too, but let’s stick with the basics.) My point is, on any given day there are just as many people wearing headphones in the Harold B. Lee Library as there are at Denny’s. Of course, they are all freshman listening to the library tour tapes, but let’s just keep that between us.

    Other similarities are these: In the same way that no students are authorized to go to the 12th floor of the Kimball Tower without permission, likewise nobody is allowed to go into the kitchen at Denny’s without prior approval.

    Also, a person can never find any parking at Denny’s, either.

    Denny’s requires some entrance standards before you can go there, too. They are along the lines of a shaved head and a tattoo instead of a 45 ACT and 4.3 grade point average.

    Another similarity is that we students here on campus get free local phone calls from the “Courtesy Phones” in the same way the people at Denny’s are allowed one free phone call from their prison cell before the police haul them in.

    Even though there are some great similarities, alas, there is one paramount difference as well. Profanity.

    Let’s face it, one night at Denny’s could make up for a lifetime of on-campus housing and Varsity movies.

    Anyway, my point is, Denny’s and BYU are not as different as the competition would like you to think.

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