By ASHLEY BAKER
“My husband never hit me, he just intimidated me.
It wasn’t bad at first. In the beginning there were even a few good times. When we were dating, he treated me fabulously, said all the right things. We were married five months later.
I didn’t know it at the time, but he had been around and he knew how to manipulate, flatter, get what he wanted from people. He was dishonest, he didn’t represent who he really was. It took me a long time to catch on to what he was all about.
Within three months I felt something was wrong. Whenever we would have an argument he would get upset, break things, leave for hours. He broke things I cared about.
I was too scared to get help. My family didn’t even know. Once when I tried, he only got worse, so I didn’t try again … but that was wrong. People should realize that the longer they stay, the worse it will get. My anti-divorce beliefs kept me in the marriage longer than I should have been. If you are in a productive marriage, this stick-to-it-iveness is good, but not if you are in a bad one. I got very good at saying what he wanted to hear. He isolated me, and I’ve had to learn how to make friends again.
As I grew up my biggest fear was that someone would disapprove of me. That’s why what he was doing hurt me. We all have our little things, and I think they (abusers) pick up on what they are, and they use it. The marriage was spiritually destructive to me, I’m now trying to figure out who I am.
People ask me if I miss him. Quite honestly, no. Theres wasn’t really anything good to remember, by the time we separated he had killed whatever happy memories I had.
Every time I tried to talk to him about getting help for his anger he would just get angry. I don’t hate him, but I don’t like him.
Their (the abuser’s) behavior is so erratic, a Jekyl/Hyde personality. You go crazy because you wonder if ‘you are really all these things he’s saying I am?’ Whatever he was he projected onto me. He would say that I lied when he was lying.
The one piece of advice I would give to young girls who are thinking about getting married is take the time to know who you are marrying. We are trained to be loving and trusting. I figured I would never be married, so when he came along and asked me, I was blown away.
Don’t settle. Take time to know what you are getting into.”
