In 23 years as a student and faculty member, I have never heard anyone at BYU make an unkind remark about those who struggle with same-sex attraction. However, I did find a large flier under my office door one evening, indiscriminately accusing Latter-day Saints of causing the suicides of gay people. Maybe we need a different “call for compassion.”
Let’s have compassion on those who have been denigrated, pilloried and belittled for defending traditional marriage. Let’s have compassion on those who have been persecuted for daring to express family values in public. Let’s have compassion on those whose vehicles werevandalized and whose safety was threatened because they voted for Proposition 8 in California.
Let’s have compassion on the Boy Scouts of America whose United Way funds were cut because they would not bow to the sons of Sodom and the gods of Gomorrah. Let’s have compassion for those who are mocked for promoting the Family Proclamation.
It is trendy to make accusations of homophobia when the real problem seems to be home-phobia.
Cynthia L. Hallen
Pleasant Grove
Feeds 
Thank you, Cynthia. It's nice to be reminded that there are still some in the general area who aren't afraid to defend what may be politically incorrect but is certainly always going to be true.
Dear Cynthia,
You don't get out much, do you? It's hard to believe you have never encountered what you claim never to have encountered. And as for your childish "let's have compassion on . . ." list, you are implying a moral equivalence that in other circumstances I would expect you to deplore.
Adam Blackwell
(former BYU students who heard many homophobic comments during my four years at BYU)
Cynthia, BJ, and Brian,
I strongly suggest you become friends with a gay person (or at least find out which of your current friends are gay) and ask them about their experiences. If you haven't heard insensitive remarks at BYU then you haven't been listening. I agree that tolerance needs to go both ways, but I'm disheartened that you so quickly discount the suicides of our gay Mormon brothers and sisters.
BJ, I am grateful that our Church leaders are among the "enlightened" ones that you seem to be mocking. Please consider the following inspired comments that have often consoled me; then tell me again that gay people don't exist or that we're complaining too much about this trial.
From the Church pamphlet, God Loveth His Children:
"Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love."
From Elder Marlin K. Jensen:
"And yes, some people argue sometimes, well, for the gay person or the lesbian person, we're not asking more of them than we're asking of the single woman who never marries. But I long ago found in talking to them that we do ask for something different: In the case of the gay person, they really have no hope. A single woman, a single man who is heterosexual in their thinking always has the hope, always has the expectation that tomorrow they're going to meet someone and fall in love and that it can be sanctioned by the church. But a gay person who truly is committed to that way of life in his heart and mind doesn't have that hope. And to live life without hope on such a core issue, I think, is a very difficult thing."
From Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:
"The emotion and the pain and the challenge of [dealing with homosexuality] has to rank among the most taxing, most visceral of any of the issues that any religious group wrestles with."
From Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, in response to, "It’s tough being gay anyplace in society, in any church, but especially here in yours":
"Absolutely. I don’t think there’s any question about that. And it’s true of so many other things about the church. We’re so defined by marriage and family. … So it’s got that added component of pain in a church where we do advocate and expect and encourage marriage — traditional marriage, man to a woman, woman to a man — and family and children. And for anyone in whatever gay or lesbian inclination may exist, … the marriage I have and the marriage I’ve seen my children have and I pray for my grandchildren to have, they say, 'For me it’s an experience I’ll never have.' And true to the Holland tradition, I burst into tears, and I say, 'Hope on, and wait and let me walk with you, and we’ll be faithful, be clean, and we’ll get to the end of this.'"
I am a BYU student that struggles with same-sex attraction. I served an honorable full-time mission and dutifully fulfill my calling in my ward. I try hard to do my best. Notwithstanding all that, I find it difficult to find my place in the Church. I beat myself up daily about how to proceed. I don't think I'll be able to marry. I feel lonely as I see all my friends and loved ones start meaningful relationships and get married. I, instead, know that I'll slowly feel more and more alone. It's funny how everyone cares so much for those "dear single sisters" and seeks to involve them through meaningful callings, but members who struggle with same-sex attraction aren't typically entrusted with callings. Would you want a son of Sodom to be your child's scoutmaster, even if he was worthy? As a professor of linguistics/English language, your choice in words was scathing because I feel it's only obvious that you would understand what people would infer from your word choice--that me, a 22 year old trying to do what's right when the cards are stacked against me and I can't even open up to my peers of support, am a son of Sodom.
Perhaps in your discussions about Emily Dickinson and other antiquated writings you don't much discuss current issues facing members of the Church, but every day I'm surrounded by classmates who use the word "gay" to mean stupid, coworkers who send me e-mail forwards saying that homosexuality destroys families (I promise I've never tried and will never try to destroy your family), and even roommates who say such things as "all gay people should be shot," and "if I found out one of my roommates were gay, I'd never talk to him again." Those are real things they've said in my presence--I'm not exaggerating. While I know they don't represent the majority of the student body--I have many supportive LDS friends here at BYU and a sister who is charitable and truly Christlike in helping me to endure to the end, there exists a percentage that is far too large that isn't sympathetic or understanding. Twenty-three years in the bubble of BYU doesn't mean you are connected, and your call for compassion for bigotry only shows how disconnected you are with your students.
I cry myself to sleep most nights because I don't understand why it has to be so hard. I wish I could put my name to this, because if someone who knows me read this, they wouldn't believe it. You never know who around you is suffering.
My friend, I have nothing but the greatest of empathy for your condition. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to deal with the constant gay jokes (many of which are of course in jest, though still unkind--but some of which are in earnest). I've never dealt with this kind of trial, or anything close to it, but I have dealt with plenty of my own that are little understood by most Latter-day Saints. I have for the past 10 years struggled with serious depression, in a church where the cultural perception is either that depression is the result of wickedness, or at best the result of a lack of positive thinking. I've had many despondent times where I thought no one understood, where the best my friends could muster to try to help me is, "well, just cheer up, it's not that bad," and where I questioned why on earth when we're commanded to be happy I couldn't be. I've felt alone and misunderstood, felt like I didn't have any friends that could truly understand. I'm glad that your sister can empathize with you--I've never really been able to confide my true state to my family or even my wife.
I share this not to compare my trial with yours. God alone knows the pain you or I feel, and I can't imagine having your trial. But I share this just to let you know that you're not alone in your struggle in the Church, not even in something as taboo to most members as same-sex attraction. There are thousands of others struggling silently like yourself. And there are tens of thousands struggling with other trials, some as severe, others less so but still very difficult to be borne. Keep struggling, or rather, keep pressing forward. You will overcome through the power of the Atonement, maybe not in this life, but certainly in the life to come. And to paraphrase Elder Maxwell, the cavity carved in your soul by all your pain and suffering will someday become a receptacle for greater joy. It sounds so simple to say that, but it is true, and is one of my greatest hopes.
Keep striving. Keep praying. Keep holding firm to the gospel. And know that if you feel alone, you're in the company of the greatest men and women of God in all of history. Moroni felt alone. Joseph Smith felt alone. I'm sure Noah and Nephi and Abinadi and Moses and Isaiah and John felt alone. And no one was ever more completely alone than Jesus. There's little comfort in feeling alone, but there can be comfort in knowing that others felt the same way, and overcame, whether in this life or the next. God bless you in your efforts.
In the LDS and BYU culture those phrases and words are commonly used, and to deny that they are, or that they cause a significant amount of pain is wrong. As someone who has said some of the things that you have heard, I can honestly tell you that it was never out of ill intentions or a desire to hurt someone.
You could imagine my surprise when I discovered that I have had multiple roommates and close friends who struggle with same-sex attraction. Knowing some of the jokes and words that I had personally used in their presence, I felt a shame that is hard to describe. Nothing excuses the words of hate, ignorance, and intolerance that are used by LDS and non-LDS alike, but with the example and standard that is set for us, we of all people should know better.
I have had to apologize for saying things for a quick laugh, and wish I could take each one back. I do not believe I am intolerant for supporting traditional marrige, but I was intolerant as someone who joked and laughed about a trial and difficulty I will never truly understand.
I truly believe that the challenges and struggles that you, and countless others across the Church are dealing with is something that a vast majority of members will never understand, and even fewer will be able to sympathize with. It is such a lonely and scary road to travel, but you don't have to do it all by yourself. Even those you think would turn away from you (like I was once perceived) can change and truly begin to learn what it is have charity and love for everyone.
Anonymous, my prayers and love are with you today and always. May you find and keep the courage and hope you so desperately need. Remember, above all, that God loves you and always will, unconditionally.
Did you just write that?
"It is trendy to make accusations of homophobia when the real problem seems to be home-phobia."
There you go. The LGBT community sees statements like this as offensive and lacking compassion. I'd say to you as well that it is pushing the envelope.
I couldn't agree more with your comments. I am weary of those "enlightened" intellectuals among us harping on anyone who does not spout the popular view regarding those individuals who choose to entertain this temptation of same sex attraction as though this is the only temptation anyone has ever faced or ever will face. We all have our weaknesses and whining about how some are more difficult to deal with than others is just plain nonsense. It's about time a mature adult offered a view consistent with facts rather than "feelings."
The difference is, is that BJ, if you like pornography (assuming that its a weakness for sake of argument), you don't get paid less. If you struggle with a coffee addiction, you still get to see loved ones in hospitals.
Its easy to call it a weakness (which, according to Mormon theology it is), but does that inhibit their rights?
Think about it.
I completely agree that vandalism and death threats and any other extreme methods of intimidating opponents of gay marriage is terrible and worthy of the strongest denunciation. My current girlfriend went took a lot of heat from long-time friends for supporting Prop 8 in California, and I have nothing but compassion for her and others like her whose views were belittled and denigrated.
However, have you really "never heard anyone at BYU make an unkind remark about those who struggle with same-sex attraction"? Every day I am on campus I hear people call someone or something "gay" to mean stupid, and the term "faggot" as a put-down is not uncommon. I have heard RM's talk about how they would have assaulted a mission companion if they found out he was attracted to men. I have been told that gays have no morals and that they hate families*. Have you never heard any of this, or do you not consider it unkind? That is an honest question, and I look forward to your answer (hoping you follow the online responses to your letter). The fact of the matter is that BYU does have room to improve in its acceptance of those who struggle with attraction to members of the same gender.
* Disagreeing about the definition of marriage does not prevent gays from being overall just as kind, compassionate, and ethical as straights--again, with obvious exceptions for vandals and idiots, just as there were extremists in favor of Prop 8 who tore down signs and hurled epithets. And while you and they certainly disagree about whether some relationships should be called "families," I have yet to meet a gay person who is unhappy when a man and woman get married and have children.
Well said.
In society, today - those who stand to defend traditional values, are mocked, and are being made to feel as though what they are doing, is somehow, "bad". I'm not sure things could be any more twisted, than they currently are...
tDMg
All I have to say is WOW! Your letter really made me realize that things haven't started to change as I was hoping. I thought the discussions, and letters that have been in the Daily Universe over the past few weeks have highlighted struggles that many of our brothers and sisters go through on a daily basis, and I believe they gave a lot of comfort to a lot of people. For you to degrade that makes me very sad. Where I don't think destruction of any kind is acceptable, I do feel, that as a church community, we need to accept and love our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters for who they are. Being gay is very difficult in this world, especially in the church, so without church members supporting gay members, a lot of them will most likely leave the church. Lets continue with a positive tone on this subject and stop trying to take away the significance of the wonderful brave letters that have been published.
In regards to the beliefs of the LDS Church, there is no such thing as gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. In other words, there are not gay people and straight people, there are only children of God. God made all of us in His image and we are ALL to aspire to a heterosexual temple marriage. There are people though that suffer from gay and lesbian tendencies, but let's not label these people as gays or lesbians, unless you're offering a non-LDS viewpoint. People are not born gay or lesbian according to our Church's beliefs. Yes there must be tolerance and this must go BOTH ways as the original author points out.
I agree that we are just children or God, but unfortunately labels are put on us by society. I not just a child of God but I am a Woman, I am a Latter Day Saint (for now), I am Caucasian, I am an American, and I am straight, meaning that I am attracted to men. When talking about this issue, the word gay/straight is necessary to say. If you can't handle the word Gay, insert the phrase, same sex attraction. I wish there were no labels and that we could all be seen as people, but unfortunately the LDS faith can't seem to get away from labels (i.e. our heavy use of members and "non-members").
In response to the last sentence you wrote, I wonder why you label an entire group of people by what a few people do. I bet you the majority of homosexuals are just living their lives as normal and not threatening peoples lives over the prop 8 issue. There are fanatics on all sides, lest just remember that its not the fanatics that represent a group its all the rest of the people. Oh I forgot, I was supposed to be getting away from the word group. Oh and if this is the Brian I think it is, we can talk more about this later :-)
Emily, remember that most of us at BYU have lived outside of Utah, and many of us have friends or family members who identify themselves as gay. I do. One of my favorite cousins is openly gay and marched against Proposition 8 in San Francisco. He's one of the kindest and most decent people I know, and I love the guy. But my admiration for him doesn't require that I characterize those who fight for the traditional view of marriage (including BYU students and other members of the church) as small-minded or intolerant. Some are, as you point out. Most aren't. Most members of the church, including most BYU students, don't exhibit the homophobia that you allude to. If you are in doubt about that, I'd recommend you not look so closely for the faults of your fellow students. You'll find that they are decent, caring, accepting people, and that they're human, just like everyone else, but good people in general.
As far as labels go, it's pretty naive to assume that it's just LDS people that use labels. Having been away from BYU for a couple years, I can tell you that labels are applied all the time for both good and bad by non-LDS people as much as by LDS people. Also, please don't confuse LDS culture with the LDS faith. The LDS faith doesn't promote labels or intolerance, but certainly LDS people in their interpretations of doctrine (or more likely in their traditions or mindsets) often use labels and are sometimes guilty of intolerance. But the LDS faith embraces every good and pure principle, and certainly love and understanding (and a lack of labels) are consistent with LDS faith. A small distinction, but an important one to remember.
Finally, I don't think that the author of the letter was claiming that all or even most gay people are intolerant. I think he was referring more to the media focus on any anti-gay words or actions (which obviously need to be highlighted) when retaliatory actions by gay-rights activists after the passage of Proposition 8 were largely ignored, or not given the same weight. I know that I was frustrated by that, because it makes otherwise good people out to be bad, and whitewashes the actions of a small minority of unkind people when, if their bias had been anti-gay rather than pro-gay, their actions would have been exposed and denounced. It took me a bit of searching to find anything in the mainstream media on the burning of copies of the Book of Mormon or the vandalism of the walls around the LA temple, or the vandalism of the Columbia River temple, or the hateful epithets shouted at African-Americans, Mormons, Catholics, and others who supported Prop. 8. Unfortunate actions by a tiny minority of people, and condemned by most of those aware of them, but not aired for the rest of America to see and denounce. If the tables had been turned, as I've mentioned already, everyone would have known of this intolerance. That is where Prop. 8 supporters are coming from with a request for tolerance on both sides--a request that intolerance on both sides be soundly condemned by the media and those in power, not just one side. It's unfortunate as you say that the moderate majorities who represent both camps aren't the ones getting attention, but that seems to always be the case.
It's not likely this is the Brian you may be thinking it is.
I didn't say all people with homosexual tendencies are intollerant, but far too many people do think that tolerance only should be applied in one direction. People should be tolerant of the LDS viewpoint that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. In no way was I suggesting that a group of people was intolerant.
Labels are useful and appropriate, but not in every case. Nobody is gay. It is wrong in my opinion to suggest that, though you are entitled to your differing opinion. I believe we are all born with natural desires to pursue a heterosexual marriage. Why some suffer from homosexual tendencies is not known to me, but just because someone suffers from these things doesn't make them a gay person and therefore not a straight person (meaning if you say someone's gay then it can imply that they were born that way).
Nobody is gay. . . . I believe we are all born with natural desires to pursue a heterosexual marriage.
However you feel about the moral character homosexual conduct, to deny that non-heterosexual sexual orientations even exist is simply unsupportable. It would not be hyperbole to say that your assertion is akin to declaring that the earth is flat.
In 23 years as a student and faculty member, I have never heard anyone at BYU make an unkind remark about those who struggle with same-sex attraction.
Here's one: "Let’s have compassion on the Boy Scouts of America whose United Way funds were cut because they would not bow to the sons of Sodom . . ."
I'm sorry, but referring to members of the LGBT community as "sons of Sodom" and insinuating that they despise "family values" and suffer from "home-phobia" counts as an "unkind remark" in my book.
Very nicely said.