Every missionary can tell which letter in the mailbox is special. Maybe the stationary smells suspiciously like perfume or there might be lipstick kisses inside. But it isn’t these extra touches that make the letter special; it’s the signature at the end, and the girl it belongs to, that makes the missionary’s heart skip a beat.

At BYU, it isn’t hard to find someone who has personal experience waiting for a missionary. The various opinions among church members on “waiting” are as diverse as mission locations.

“Waiting means there’s an implication that the relationship could take a serious turn when the missionary gets home,” reported WaitingForaMissionary.com, a Web site created by a former missionary girlfriend. “Some consider themselves waiting if they only casually date. Others would not even date casually.”

So how does someone decide if waiting is the right choice? According to several students, the decision is a private one.

“My situation is really rare and my decision was really personal,” said Kelsey Bickmore, who is currently waiting for her boyfriend serving in the Puebla Mexico mission.  “But it’s how it’s supposed to be for me.”

Others, like Joseph Blanch, an engineering major from Liberty, Mo., made the decision to break off a relationship before serving a mission.

“I had just witnessed too many sad stories,” Blanch said.  “And I didn’t want her to put her life on hold for me.  It was the saddest moment of my life at that point, but it was the right thing to do.”

For those who do decide to wait for a missionary, they are joining ranks with several other church members from every decade of time like the former girlfriends of Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve and former presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

According to older members of the church who exchanged letters with their eventual spouses, the practice of waiting has changed little over the years.

“I’m sure there are hundreds and hundreds of people who have the same story that I have,” said Larry Marchman, a member of the church whose wife waited for him during his 1974-1976 mission.  “But [her] letters and just being able to talk to her made all the difference.”

Jerri Thetford, another church member who also waited for her husband during the 1970s, agreed.

“I don’t think the practice of waiting has changed all that much,” Thetford said. “The frame of mind is about the same.  You write letters and you’re supportive, and you keep an open mind.”

Marchman married his wife six months after returning from his mission, and Thetford tied the knot with her missionary two years after his homecoming.

For some “waiting” girlfriends, however, absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. 

“I had a companion who left his girlfriend behind and told his best friend to watch over her,” said Thane Christensen, a BYU student from Ferndale, Wash.  “Within a year she told him she was marrying the best friend, and my companion was pretty upset.”

Even without the “Dear John,” things don’t always go smoothly.

Blanch said after returning from his mission, he went out with his old girlfriend a few times, but things weren’t the same and they parted ways.

“We had grown apart and we were both ready for something more,” Blanch said.

Still, most missionaries agreed that having support back home was important on their mission regardless of the outcome.

“Beverly was a source of strength for me,” Marchman said of his wife. “We buoyed each other up.”

Bickmore also said she is strengthened through letters from her missionary boyfriend.

“I don’t even think of missing him as a sacrifice when I get so much back from it,” she said.  “Every good quality he had has been magnified and I feel closer to him.”

It is important to remember that while writing a missionary, the primary goal is to support him or her, many said.  Late President Paul H. Dunn of the presidency of the First Quorum of the Seventy offered advice on showing such support.

“Boyfriends and girlfriends at home should put their feelings on a high spiritual plane,” Dunn wrote in a 1971 New Era article.  “That doesn’t mean they can’t share an honest feeling of love and respect, but … letters can either build or tear down a missionary’s spirit. Please write your missionary the kinds that build.”

There will always be those who view the romantic dealings and complications of mission life to be an important rite of passage.

“I wanted a ‘Dear John’ so bad, just to say I got one,” Christensen said.  “My companion almost got his friend to write me one.  But in the end, it never came.”