By JULIE HOWARD
Please note: Names appearing in quotation marks have been changed at the request of individuals dealing with same-gender attraction.
Today, “T.J. Burke” is happily married with two children. But following his mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, feelings of same-gender attraction left him wondering how he could fit in to the gospel’s plan.
In spite of their need for love and encouragement, church members who experience same-sex attraction often fail to reach out for help because they feel isolated and are afraid to trust friends and family, said Burke, who is on the board of directors of Evergreen International.
Evergreen International is an organization that supports individuals working to overcome same-sex attraction within the guidelines of the LDS Church.
Burke said when people talk about homosexual feelings in a derogatory way, misperceptions arise about same-sex attraction, making it difficult to seek help from church leaders.
“Years ago I actually heard the first counselor in the bishopric of my singles ward talk about ‘hanging all the faggots.’ I wasn’t going to ask that man for help with anything — not even to know what the weather was going to be the next day,” he said.
Burke said people who experience same-sex attraction need to hear it talked about by leaders and friends in a positive and loving way, following the example of President Gordon B. Hinckley.
“Our (the LDS Church’s) opposition to attempts to legalize same-sex marriage should never be interpreted as justification for hatred, intolerance or abuse of those who profess homosexual tendencies, either individually or as a group,” said President Hinckley at general conference in October. “We love and honor them as sons and daughters of God. They are welcome in the church. It is expected, however, that they follow the same God-given rules of conduct that apply to everyone else, whether single or married.”
When same-sex attraction is discussed positively, people experiencing it can learn to trust others enough to seek help, Burke said.
“One roadblock to getting help is that we don’t trust. We need good, close relationships because we feel so isolated, and we are afraid that if we talk we will lose those relationships,” he said.
Church members can be supportive even when discussing the church’s stand on issues such as gay rights legislation, he said. Members can speak against same-sex marriages, but they should also acknowledge some of those who experience homosexual feelings continue to support traditional families, Burke said.
J.R. Johansen, a trustee of Evergreen International, agreed that insensitive comments and jokes could be a tremendous barrier to seeking help. He conducts Evergreen affiliate groups for men struggling with same-sex attraction, as well as for their parents and other family members.
“Maybe he’s in a Boy Scout troop, and another scout says, ‘OK, who’s got a fag joke?’ A scoutmaster is there but says nothing. The scoutmaster would be seen as participating and therefore untrustworthy. That type of thing isolates the boy further, and he has found another leader that he can’t trust,” said Johansen, who also serves on the advisory board for LDS Family Services.
Johansen said he encourages leaders of the LDS Church to never make light of homosexual tendencies in any situation.
Sensitivity is especially important because of the number of church members it can affect, he said.
“A conservative estimate is 20 percent in any meeting either struggle with same-sex attraction themselves or are associated as a family member, [such as] a parent, brother, sister, child or spouse,” Johansen said.
LDS individuals who struggle with homosexual attraction are not decidedly different from other LDS individuals who struggle with other challenging circumstances, said A. Dean Byrd, a scientific advisory board member for the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. Challenges include confusion about sex and gender issues, feelings of guilt and discouragement, he said.
Byrd, a licensed psychologist, who has worked with LDS Family Services, said he encourages family involvement when he treats individuals who struggle with same-gender attraction. He said developing intimacy through sharing is often helpful for those who seek to overcome homosexual feelings.
“When family members reach out to those who struggle with homosexual attraction, wonderful things can happen … often such involvement makes a significant difference,” he said
“Anne Taylor,” a member of the LDS Church whose husband and daughter have struggled with homosexual feelings, said many who experience same-sex attraction only hear conflicting messages that offer little hope. They may be told that they are evil for their homosexual feelings, or that they were “born gay” and should learn to accept it. Caught between these conflicting messages, they can lose hope and even turn to suicide, she said.
Stuart Matis was one of those who got caught in the struggle, according to his cousin, Ryan Shattuck, a freshman from Santa Clara, Calif., majoring in communications.
Shattuck said that after 20 years of dealing with same-sex attraction, Matis, a member of the LDS Church, ended his life last month in California. A BYU graduate, Matis completed an honorable mission, served as elder’s quorum president and attended the temple regularly.
Although Matis worked for many years to overcome same-sex attraction through prayer, fasting and active church service, he could not resolve the conflict between his feelings and faith, Shattuck said.
Part of the pain Matis experienced came from misperceptions about homosexual attraction, Shattuck said. One fallacy is that people who struggle with same-sex attraction have chosen to feel that way, he said.
This perception doesn’t make sense, Shattuck said.
“Why would someone choose something this hard?” he said.
Besides believing that those who experience same-sex attraction choose to be that way, people often assume that everyone with homosexual feelings is engaging in immoral activity, Shattuck said.
“Why do people think that? You don’t see someone and think ‘Oh, he’s heterosexual — he must be sleeping with someone,” Shattuck said.
See related stories:
Letter to the editor by Stuart Matis 2/21/2000 Letter to the editor by Ryan Shattuck 2/28/2000
